is this selfish?

[bettycrackpot]

hi everyone! i just want some opinions....

 

my friend asked me to make a throw for her and her boyfriends new home. she basically demanded it. i dont have a problem with making it, my question is this: since she didnt offer to pay for the yarn, let alone my time; is it completely selfish of me to use RHSS yarn rather than homespun or something a little pricier? i figured it out, the RHSS ghan would cost less than $20, the homespun more along the lines of $50.....not to mention my time. plus, her bf is my ex bf....and part of me doesnt want to do anything nice for him. at all. is that really small and selfish? does it make sense? plus she has a 2 yr old, so im thinking if smallchild destroys it, i wont be as upset.... not to mention i am a SAHM and both of them work. i guess it would have been nice for her to at least offer some money.

ANY OPINION WELCOME

[vonnie]

I guess if I felt the way you do, I just wouldn't make it at all.....JMHO Why do you feel you should?

[coolhockeymom]

I do not think it is selfish to save yourself some money RH will wash up very soft and it last much longer with small children around.

[Katchkan]

I think I would ask her when she was going to pick up the yarn for her throw. That you would provide a list of materials if she needed it. That way she has to accept some responsibility for the cost of this project or she can gracefully pass on the whole thing.

You didn't volunteer it as a gift so she should at least pay for materials in my book. If I choose to make something for someone I will bear the cost of the materials and my time. But if asked to make something there is no way I am going to bear the brunt of the cost. You have to choose if you want to be compensated for your time.

I think this is important to establish with people that you aren't going to pull a afghan out of the hat just because they ask.......

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

I have to agree why do you feel you have to especially since she demanded it

[Debbi-a1]

You could call her up and say, "Hi I was thinking about the throw you wanted me to make. I want to make sure that I do it to your liking. If you would like me to use some sensible yarn because of your 2 year old, it would only cost you... But if you want the nicer yarn, it would cost you... " maybe even add "I'm giving you a discount to what I would charge someone for making them a throw." so she knows why you're charging her and not just making it for a friend just because.

This way you can be more specific of what she wants and probalby not have to make it for her at all.

 

Of course that's not saying for Christmas you couldn't surprise her with a simple RH afghan done in a nice pattern to the colors of their home.

Debbi

[CraftyShannon]

I had a neighbor who always thought I'd do stuff for her. She'd always ask my mom for me to do it because she knew my mom would not talk money. The conversation always had something like "Just let Shannon do anything. She can try out a new technique on me." In other words, I could try something new on my dime, because she wasn't paying for something that might have an imperfection. Yet, out of the goodness of my heart, I should give my sample practice piece to her. She even rationalized it would help my sales to expand and learn new things.

 

I was lucky that she asked my mom. Easy for me to "not remember" getting these messages. Since you don't have that luxury, I probably would make an excuse not to do it in the first place. Yet, if you really want to, I too would tell her what kind of yarn to get and how much you'll neeed, and you'll be happy to work on it as soon as she picks it up.

[crochet_hen]

No maam you are not being selfish! In fact, you are much more gracious than I would have been to consider doing it for her at all. Most of us love to make things for others not expecting something in return, but it feels terrible when someone takes your work for granted. I don't think some people realize how much time and effort go into a project. Ingrate was one of our vaocabulary words last week and I think it definitely applies here. You have to do what you feel is right in this situation, but I think I might offer to teach her to crochet so that she can make it for herself. After all, how much worthwhile if it was made with her own little hands (she can see for herself, how tired those hands can get). Then tell her where she can buy yarn, hook, pattern etc. She might have a new appreciation for your efforts if she realized how much it entails.

[pineknott]

still ringing in my ears is the phrase used by my husband's aunt

You want me to pay you? Me - yes, her - I thought you'd do them for free

Me - no, her - walks off in a huff, Well never mind,Me - fine!!!

[vonnie]

Why do people think that we should pay for the yarn, on top of our time??? I have never understood this??

[Julexia]

I personally wouldn't do it because of the ex-boyfriend thing. I wouldn't care if it was selfish or not -- It would bother me for years that he was using it, lol. Also, I can't see her being a very good friend if she is demanding stuff from you like that. And living with your ex-boyfriend. Real friends don't do stuff like that. So -- I say NO don't do it. Not for free. Just my honest opinion.

[Empress Busy Bee]

I'd probably tell her I didn't have time to do it. However if you feel you must, then agree with Kathy:

 

I think I would ask her when she was going to pick up the yarn for her throw. That you would provide a list of materials if she needed it. That way she has to accept some responsibility for the cost of this project or she can gracefully pass on the whole thing.

You didn't volunteer it as a gift so she should at least pay for materials in my book. If I choose to make something for someone I will bear the cost of the materials and my time. But if asked to make something there is no way I am going to bear the brunt of the cost. You have to choose if you want to be compensated for your time.

I think this is important to establish with people that you aren't going to pull a afghan out of the hat just because they ask

[Riohnna]

I agree strongly with katchkan and Julexia.

[mudpie]

First, I would say that if you don't want to do something nice for your ex, then you shouldn't. Ever. I doubt that it is a secret to your friend that you are harboring ill feelings toward him. Or are you that good at hiding your feelings?

 

But if you feel that you would like to do this for your friend, I strongly agree with KatchKan's idea, with maybe a twist. Tell your friend that you would be happy to accompany her when she shops for the yarn for her afghan. That way you could offer suggestions as to what might be most durable, etc. And maybe when she sees how much the item will cost to make she will even have second thoughts about wanting it so much.

[FelixLake]

Not selfish at all.

 

I would call her and say: "I'm going to the store to pick up the yarn for your afghan. I need you to come along to pick out the colors and type of yarn you want. BTY... Don't forget to bring your checkbook."

 

Or, once you get her to the store and she starts to pick out some yarn, you can always say: "Wow, that will be very pretty, but it could get expensive, are you sure you want to spend that much on materials?"

 

Or you could just tell her your too busy, maybe some other time.

[bettycrackpot]

thanks everyone! she knows that he and i are civil to one another, i see him doing the same things to her as he did to me (and every other gf hes had since then) but she doesnt know that i dont want to be nice to him. its a situtation where i have to remain on good terms.

altho i think thats a big part of it, him. if it was just her, i dont think it would bug me near as much. the time doesnt bother me, i dont have too much else on my hook right now and i know i could whip it out in a week or 2.

and im not even saying i would take her money, altho i probably would. but if she had offered.....it would have been nice.

i dont know why i feel i have to make it, i have guilt issues. i think i might just "forget" as i told her it may be awhile till i get to it. like if they actually get married.......

its not that i dont WANT to make her anything.....but i feel she was rude. although, when she asked, she asked for a blankie......maybe i should do a baby blankie sized.... ok, thats not nice either. i dk, im torn between wanting to do nice things and not being taken advantage of. thank you all for your opinions!!!

[Marty53]

If I had a friend who dictated to me like that, they'd be making it themselves. There's a way of asking people without being so demanding...and they should offer to pay for the yarn at least...

But that's just me..

 

Martha

[Burgandy]

I would just say your time was already commited to projects that you actually want to do or that you were waiting on her to drop off the yarn. Because of the ex-bf thing I just wouldn't make it, but thats me.

[Lov2Crochet]

I agree with Felix.

 

IMO I would ask her what type of yarn she wants it made from, then when she tells you, ask her for the money to buy it. I think it was kind of rude of her to ask you to make her something and then not even offer any kind of money, even if you wouldn't have taken it.

 

Usually you make something for someone either b/c you want to or they ask and offer to pay for it.

[crochetdiva]

You could call her up and say, "Hi I was thinking about the throw you wanted me to make. I want to make sure that I do it to your liking. If you would like me to use some sensible yarn because of your 2 year old, it would only cost you... But if you want the nicer yarn, it would cost you... " maybe even add "I'm giving you a discount to what I would charge someone for making them a throw." so she knows why you're charging her and not just making it for a friend just because.

This way you can be more specific of what she wants and probalby not have to make it for her at all.

 

I think that is a great way to approach it!!!

[Crocus58]

Not selfish at all - very gracious of you to even consider making the throw. It's your hobby, it's your talent, it's what you do to relax. You are under no obligation to give something to someone simply because they ask for it.

 

I hate that - it's like they think they are doing you a favor, that you would have nothing to do if they didn't make this "request". ARRRGGGHHHHH

 

I generally respond to demand/requests with a non-committal, "well, we'll see, I've got a few other things going on and I'm not sure when I could get to it." Then if I never feel like making it - I don't.

[Lady_of_Roses]

You could call her up and say, "Hi I was thinking about the throw you wanted me to make. I want to make sure that I do it to your liking. If you would like me to use some sensible yarn because of your 2 year old, it would only cost you... But if you want the nicer yarn, it would cost you... " maybe even add "I'm giving you a discount to what I would charge someone for making them a throw." so she knows why you're charging her and not just making it for a friend just because.

This way you can be more specific of what she wants and probalby not have to make it for her at all.

 

It's a nice idea as a way to nicely indicate you'd like the yarn paid for at least. However, she may just say she'll pay you later, and you'll never get your money back at all.

 

That said, I wouldn't make an afghan (especially if I have to buy materials as well) for someone who demanded it, let alone was with my ex-boyfriend. I value my time a bit more than that.

[pianoducky]

Hi sweetie! I don't think you're being selfish at all...in fact, your conundrum sounds like one I'm constantly going through. I have major issues with being so nice it's detrimental to me .

 

I think a diplomatic approach is probably the best, one where she's not going to get embarrassed about assuming that it was free, and you're not going to go in the hole spending a ton of money on yarn. I like a lot of the ideas folks have posed on here--especially the one where you say "With the child in mind, would you like something more durable? It will cost ___ for this option and ____ for that one." GREAT advice, and honestly, that's exactly what I would do in the situation.

 

It can be really hard, but I understand where you're coming from. I love the joy of making items for people, but it feels like a total slap in the face whenever they just assume that it's okay to demand. I had a purse I'd made for myself once, and one of the friends I was out with saw it and said, "Make me one in hot pink with a red lining. Oh, and can you get black handles for it?" I was irritated, but she forgot about it before I did LOL!

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but you owe it to yourself not to get taken advantage of! You're better than that, and I know you'll find a way to handle the situation!

[Tiga]

While I agree the diplomatic way to deal with this is to call her up and do the whole "RHSS will cost this much, X yarn will cost this much; how much were you wanting to spend on yarn for this?", I think there is another option.

 

Tell her the truth. She is your friend! Tell her you just don't want to make an afghan for your ex-boyfriend. Tell her you work hard to be civil to him b/c he's her current boyfriend, and b/c you value her as a friend, you are willing to do that.

 

But, you just can't bring yourself to make something as intimate as an afghan for the man that broke your heart.

 

As a consolation, perhaps you can make a blankie for her kiddo? And tell her that you'll be more than happy to make an afghan for her wedding, or when she gets her own apartment, on her own (without implying that your ex should soon be her ex, as well).

 

If she's a true friend, she'll understand how awkward the situation is.

 

And, if she's not a true friend - or you don't feel comfortable telling her a very obvious and understandable truth, maybe she's just not a person that is worth worrying about to begin with. In which case, just forget about the whole thing and if she ever asks about it, just tell her that since she never gave you $$$ for yarn, you could never make the afghan.

 

But I'd go with just telling her why you don't want to make it in the first place, and perhaps offer to make something less intimate - a baby blanket for her kiddo, some dishcloths and towels for the kitchen, heck, even a doormat!

[OnHooksandNeedles]

Everyone is being so nice...so I'll be nasty.

I propose that you make her a afghan out of left over yarn you have (no cost for materials) and make sure the colors clash with every room in her house. You can just say "Oh, I thought your living room was a completely different color." And if she continues to protest, you can pull the guilt trip on her "I can't believe I spent all this time and put so much love into this blanket and you hate it!" Tears would be a nice touch, too.

And I would almost guarantee you'd never get another obnoxious blanket demand from her.