I don't know what to say!

[JennyBunny]

If it were me, I'd try to find someway to help her find a way to pay for it, if possible.

 

If not, I'd still give it to her, emphasizing that this is most likely the last 'freebie' she'll get from me, saying that while I would love to be able to make things for her and give them to her for a lowered price, I can't do it for free very often.

 

Being poor, ignored, taking on responsibilty for a sibling, and 'slow on the uptake' are all facets of a persons personality and while some facets may in fact impact more than others, each facet doesn't define a person.

The Whole is Greater than the Sum of it's Parts.

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

What I see as being manipulative is that she was asking over & over if the afghans were finished knowing full well she didn't have the $ to pay for them. Also it isn't a bad thing or doesn't make you a bad person to stand up for yourself when people take advantage regardless of their life circumstances. Feeling sorry for a person doesn't really do much for them. Sure we could all hand out $ to people begging on the street but there are better ways to help them.You know give a person a fish feed them once teach someone to fish feed them for a lifetime

[distinctives123]

Do no give her the second blanket. She does not have to attend the baby shower. She can kindly tell them like she had no problem telling you that she needs a job.

YOu have worked too hard on those blankets, do not be a rug for anybody!

[ratdog]

Forgive me but I think that your view is a little naive. This girl comes from a dysfunctional home so at her age she has probably learned how to manipulate people in her favor. Let's not forget that she's already 18 which legally makes her an adult and that behavior is just not acceptable in an adult. I am almost sure this girl will not really see the gifting of the blanket as "generosity" but as her being entitled (to not follow some basic rules of society) because of "her situation" - we already have too many people like that in this country, let's not contribute to make another one!

 

She knew from the beginning that she had to pay some money but she had no qualms to say "I got no money" which indicates to me she never intended to pay but was counting on Elle to feel sorry for her. Let's also not forget in this life there are people who are takers and they will take advantage of those of us who are givers. Her circumstances sound sad but we also don't know all the details, in any case, I don't think it's up to one person to try to compensate for all the bad things in someone else's life. Setting healthy boundaries is not uncaring, to the contrary, it's a lesson this girl needs and that will benefit her in the future.

 

So I say DON'T give her the 2nd blanket and do tell her it's not responsible to act that way.

 

Fair enough, and a lot of what you say is valid. Thanks for shaing your opinion.

[MaryPat]

I wonder if she's had to develop a set of "conniving" skills to survive?

[eyrthmother1]

somehow, my post didn't, well, post.

 

It may be that this girl has not been taught manners in life. from the fact her own mother is ignoring HER responsibilities for raising the 3 yr old, not that great a role-model in her life.

 

So, my opinion would be this: since you have known her so long, to approach her in an open, honest manner about this. do not point fingers (aka, "you did wrong by doing this") but more a mutual mentality (from what you said, you didn't go, "I will make it for $15, w/ expections of payment upon delivery") of miscommunication.

 

Due to her age, and impulsiveness of that (possibly), her lack of education (by her mother, possibly), and her inexperience (she's been thrown into having more "on her plate" than she was expecting to have at this age.... she's raising a kid that she didnt have), and it may have been a mental slip due to having known you for so long as well (how many of us just take it for granted that folks we have known for a long time will be understand of our situations?? or have said, "can you help me w/ this? then not ask, "do i owe you for your time? I think most of us have done this in very minor ways at some point in our lives, if was just having a friend help us move, or learn a recipe, etc).

 

You may be giving her a greater gift w/ by talking to her, and giving her the blankets. Though, I'd also give her a reasonable amount of time and then start asking, "how are you doing about getting my payment?" so she knows she DOES still owe it.

 

Sandy

[Elle]

somehow, my post didn't, well, post.

 

It may be that this girl has not been taught manners in life. from the fact her own mother is ignoring HER responsibilities for raising the 3 yr old, not that great a role-model in her life.

 

So, my opinion would be this: since you have known her so long, to approach her in an open, honest manner about this. do not point fingers (aka, "you did wrong by doing this") but more a mutual mentality (from what you said, you didn't go, "I will make it for $15, w/ expections of payment upon delivery") of miscommunication.

 

Due to her age, and impulsiveness of that (possibly), her lack of education (by her mother, possibly), and her inexperience (she's been thrown into having more "on her plate" than she was expecting to have at this age.... she's raising a kid that she didnt have), and it may have been a mental slip due to having known you for so long as well (how many of us just take it for granted that folks we have known for a long time will be understand of our situations?? or have said, "can you help me w/ this? then not ask, "do i owe you for your time? I think most of us have done this in very minor ways at some point in our lives, if was just having a friend help us move, or learn a recipe, etc).

 

You may be giving her a greater gift w/ by talking to her, and giving her the blankets. Though, I'd also give her a reasonable amount of time and then start asking, "how are you doing about getting my payment?" so she knows she DOES still owe it.

 

Sandy

 

First of all, thank you, everyone, for your input on this. I had started off responding to everyone one at a time, but there has been such a response to this that it will turn into one of those threads that goes on forever if I respond to each post individually. Even though there have been quite a few different outlooks on this situation, it has still helped me more than you will know, because it shows me that my vacillating from one side to the other on this thing doesn't mean that I'm weak or somehow not able to think for myself, on the contrary, it has shown me that I have tried to look at it from all sides of the issue.

 

When we discussed payment for the blankets, way back before I started making them, I had originally told her $25 per blanket, and then I lowered it to $15. No, I did not specifically state that the money would be payable upon delivery of the blankets, and maybe that's my fault, but I didn't think I HAD to state that, since most of us don't expect to get anything without paying for it. I think, though, what has aggravated me the most about the situation is that she bugged me every time she saw me for the last two weeks about "are the blankets done yet?", even knowing full well that she didn't have the money for them. She sat and shopped through catalogs for weeks going "I'm going to buy this for so and so, and this for so and so, and this for so and so, but I have no idea whether or not she actually did.

 

She IS extremely immature for her age, but after knowing some of the kids around here, I always looked at that as refreshing in her case, that here was a girl who acted like a young girl instead of being a teenager and acting like she's 30. She doesn't date, doesn't have a boyfriend, and her only social life to speak of is at church. HOWEVER, this girl that she wants the second blanket for is what I would call a thug-ette, and she looks up to this girl, and that part has me a bit worried because I wasn't even aware that she knew this girl existed and now here she is referring to her as her "best friend". I have heard the girl (the alleged "best friend") and she has a FILTHY mouth, she lives with her boyfriend (she's still in high school!) and she's pregnant. I suppose it's good that she's still in school at all, I guess. If this were my daughter, I think I would try to steer her toward a different group of friends, but she's not, and neither her mother nor her grandmother seem to think this is anything to worry about, so why should I lose sleep? I'm starting to ramble now.

 

ANYHOO, she absolutely knew that she would have to pay for the blankets, and she also knows me better than to think that I would tell her "no" if she had come to me and been honest and said "I spent all my money, can I still have the blankets until I earn some more to pay for them?" I would have said yes! I think it was just the fact that we had agreed on a figure and the way she said it, it just seemed like she never had any intention of paying for them. And THAT'S what bothers me the most.

 

I am planning to talk to her grandmother in the morning when I get downstairs to work. She is one of the most fair-minded people I know, and I just know she's going to be appalled when I tell her, but I need for her to know because somebody that she respects (she loves her grandmother to death) has to get it through to her that you don't do this. As much as you might want something, if you cannot afford it, you can't get it, and especially when it means that someone else has to take their time to make it for you. I am now two weeks behind on my own Christmas projects because I took the time to make the blankets. Now I know you're thinking "well, even if she paid you, you'd still be two weeks behind" but the point is, I was planning to take the $30 for the blankets and buy something for the other person that I was going to crochet a cardigan for, but didn't have the time to because of the blankets. Now I not only don't have the time to crochet the cardigan, I don't have the money to go get her something, because money is so tight for us this year it stinks. Now I'm going to have to explain the situation to her and give her her gift when I get around to making it. I ended up being the one to have to deal with a situation because this girl wasn't mature enough to realize that she couldn't do what she wanted to do.

 

Well, I've got to get to bed, I have to open the office at 7 am. I will post back tomorrow afternoon when I get home and let y'all know what her grandmother said. G'night, all. And thanks.

[enCrochet]

If this 18 year old is considered mature and responsible enough to take care of her younger sister, why should she be allowed to be "impulsive and not thinking" when asking for goods and services from others? It's easy to play "poor me." Those who allow themselves to be irrisponsible do not grow into mentally responsible people.

[RJ-TX]

How about giving your friend a written or computer-made certificate good for one item of crocheted clothing. Just tell her you got behind but you're in the process of making it now! I think your friend would appreciate it and be very understanding. After all, how many people can crochet and clothing, at that? It's a gift worth waiting for.

[Yarnluver]

Elle I have to say from what you have said the Lord is giving you the perfect opportunity to serve and there is not a greater reward in life like serving the Lord

 

God Bless:hug

I am a Christian but I don't believe we have to be other people's doormats, I do not see how feeding her bad habits is a way to "serve". If this girl needed the blanket for herself or her little sister maybe I'd say give it to her, but this was for a gift, which is optional not mandatory, especially when someone doesn't have an income. Some may disagree with me but when I told the story to my daughter who is studying psychology she totally agreed with me.

[texasredhead]

The way I see it, you gave her the first blanket without getting any money for that one. So, that should have given you a clue as to what would happen with the second one. But, on the second one, I would say that she can have the blanket when she pays for it. YOu should not enable her by letting her order things without paying for them. This isn't teaching her anything. Just keep the blanket...and wait for payment. If she really wants to give it to her friend she will get the money, and if not, then you have a blanket on hand for future gifts.

[Elle]

OK everyone, here's the update. I'm sorry for not posting sooner, but when I came in from work at 3 I was exhausted so I lay down to take a nap and I ended up sleeping for over 8 hours!!! I must have really needed it, I've been burning the candle at both ends lately.

 

Anyway, even though we all live here, yesterday was her grandmother's day off, and I didn't want to bother her with this then because we get precious little time to ourselves here. When you live at work you are always on duty, even when it's not your shift. So as soon as she came into the lobby this morning, I asked her if she had heard her granddaughter over the last two weeks asking me about the blankets. She said yes, she had heard her "hounding" me, as she put it, and asked if she was being a pain in the butt about it. I said no, I didn't mind her asking about the blankets, but I told her "you're not going to believe what she did." I went on to tell her about how I told her I would have the Noah's Ark blanket for her on Sunday, if she could please bring the money for both blankets when she came out to the hotel after church. I told her how she said "I don't have no money!" and her grandmother became VERY angry about the situation. She said "you mean after all this time, and bugging you about it, and ordering the other blanket on top of the first one, she told you she doesn't have any money?!?" I told her yes, and she said "how much did you tell her it was?" and I told her "$15 per blanket". I told her that I gave her a HUGE break because 1) she was a kid and 2) she was her granddaughter and I figured I was doing a favor for a friend, but that if she couldn't afford them, she should have told me right from the beginning, and I would have made her just simple baby blankets and nothing that took up the time that these two did. She went into her apartment (which is located right off the lobby) and came out and handed me $15 for the first blanket, and told me "don't you give her that second blanket until she pays you!" She said that when her sister gave the kids money for Christmas, she was going to get the money from the kid to pay her back for the $15 she just gave me. She told me "she knows better than that, where's her head at?" She also said not to make anything else for her unless she gives me ALL the money up front, and said that this is why she's not crazy about her being friends with this group of kids that she's friends with, because this is the kind of thing they do, and apparently it's starting to rub off on her. She kept apologizing for her, but I told her that it was nothing SHE had done! I thanked her profusely for the money, but the thanks were actually more for her blessing to keep the other blanket until the kid coughed up the money. I value her friendship tremendously, and I didn't want it to be damaged in any way because of this. I told everyone how fair she is, and this proves it. She's not one of those who thinks that her family is right, right or wrong, just because they're her family.

 

Anyway, the story ended happily, at least for me. She will have to figure out what she is going to tell her friend about her gift, but that's up to her. From what her grandmother had said, the pregnant girl doesn't consider her granddaughter a friend as much as the other way around, and she was giving her the blanket because she has a crush on the brother of the boy who got the girl pregnant, and she wants the pregnant girl to like her so they can hang out together and she can get to talk to the brother. In my opinion, she's better off without this group, so it's not hurting her to not have a gift for this girl, and it might even be in her best interest.

 

So that's that. Thank you ALL for your input. This is why I love Crochetville and you all so much. It's like having a giant family to turn to for great advice!

[Yarnluver]

I am very happy for you that this got resolved. Talking to the grandmother was probably a much better choice than talking to the girl directly. I identified with you a lot because in similar issues I tend to go back and forth a lot, sometimes having a hard time reaching a decision just as you did, so I loved your explanation of weighing every possibility and looking at all sides, I think that means we do like to be fair and thorough. Also, I hope you noticed like I did that your intuition was actually guiding you in the right direction from the start.

 

Merry Christmas!

[Elle]

I am very happy for you that this got resolved. Talking to the grandmother was probably a much better choice than talking to the girl directly. I identified with you a lot because in similar issues I tend to go back and forth a lot, sometimes having a hard time reaching a decision just as you did, so I loved your explanation of weighing every possibility and looking at all sides, I think that means we do like to be fair and thorough. Also, I hope you noticed like I did that your intuition was actually guiding you in the right direction from the start.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Yes, ma'am, I did notice that. It's nice to know that my intuition was as good as it was in this instance, because hopefully that means that that's the case in other areas as well! It just meant a lot to me to get this resolved, because I have a lot of respect for this girl's grandmother and I didn't want any type of rift to start between us because of this. I am SO glad it worked out the way it did.

[KER828]

Oh Brother! GIVE HER THE BLANKET ALREADY!

 

THis kid has been abandoned by her own mother and is trying to finish school, care for a three year old and support a pregnant friend! This girl lost the job she had through no fault of her own!

 

PLEASE show her that there are caring people in the world and that you are one of them!

 

She sounds like she needs a loving gesture.

Oh, Amen!! The yarn and the money are not ours in the first place they are God's who provided them for us. Give the blankets to her and let it go - you will be amazed at what comes back to you! For goodness sakes it is about love not about stuff!!!

[fc1123]

Elle I'm so happy that it got resolved I've been reading this post since you posted this last Saturday so I'm glad it turned out all right

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

I'm glad to hear it worked out I know my posts before may sound like I'm mean or what not but I do go back & forth in these situations too. To me though it's always best to not say yes when deep down you really want to say no. Especially if the person asking doesn't really appreciate you putting yourself out in the first place. Being nice to others doesn't mean we have to sell ourselves short. We have to treat ourselves good & be true to ourselves too

[Lady_of_Roses]

I'm glad the situation has been resolved relatively at least as far as your part. I'd imagine that the girl is going to need to have a chat with her grandma about doing things like that, as she apparently knows it's wrong. You had showed plenty of caring in even making the blankets so cheaply to start with!

 

I'm glad you didn't reward someone for doing something inappropriate. It was bad enough she got one potential freebie without getting a second one! I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I still don't think you were being a grinch about the money, it was the ethical situation you were trying to resolve. Well done!!

[pasteeater]

Wow, so many things on this thread have surprised me. Not anything by the orginal poster but by other people.

 

I think it's good that you got it worked out. I'm happy for you!

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

Wow, so many things on this thread have surprised me. Not anything by the orginal poster but by other people.

 

Me too but I think for the opposite reason you are suprised I just don't think expecting a person to be responsible is a bad thing or mean in any way. No matter what their life circumstance are people should respect others. It doesn't make a person bad because they don't allow people to walk all over them. I'm all for giving & kindness but that goes both ways as does respect.

[pasteeater]

Me too but I think for the opposite reason you are suprised I just don't think expecting a person to be responsible is a bad thing or mean in any way. No matter what their life circumstance are people should respect others. It doesn't make a person bad because they don't allow people to walk all over them. I'm all for giving & kindness but that goes both ways as does respect.

 

Where did I say that having the person be responible was a bad thing???? Please quote that for me. As for the reason I am surprised: you may not know after all. One, I am surprised that someone could say that this is a reason for a mother to ignore her child. That's outrageous. Obviously the mother hasn't been just ignoring the eldest child but the youngest too. What could the youngest one do wrong to deserve it? Or does one child deserve it or not? I would give them away, I would. I don't expect anyone else. I was also surprised by people saying in all caps "Just give the blankets to her already!" I was surprised by that too. Rude I thought. And the ones quoting Jesus or the bible. I was surprised by that too. So maybe, you don't exactly know what would or does surspise me. I was surprised by people on both sides of this thread. Just because I would give away the blankets, doesn't mean I would demand any one else do so. That's not my place. I am still shocked to the extreme of someone saying that the mother is ignoring the child because of that. She's ignoring the young one too....wonder what in the world any child would do to be ignored at such a young age. I'm just saying.

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

Good Grief I never said you said anything at all.I did say I think we are suprised at people responses for different reasons that's all I directed to you. I do think that a few people on the thread have suggested that to not give both blakets to this young woman was somehow uncharitable. So if you thought I was trying to argue with you I'm sorry I was not

[pasteeater]

Good Grief I never said you said anything at all.I did say I think we are suprised at people responses for different reasons that's all I directed to you. I do think that a few people on the thread have suggested that to not give both blakets to this young woman was somehow uncharitable. So if you thought I was trying to argue with you I'm sorry I was not

I'm sorry. I misunderstood you. Its sometimes hard to understand what others mean. I am sorry, really. Please know that I was wrong.

[Sugarcoatedlies]

You gave her one blanket already, she could get her friend something else. Maybe she should learn how to crochet herself.

[123mama]

I am glad you got the money for the first one, but the second one you all ready had for a shower for some one else so she isn't to blame for the high price of it. You will find a nice new home for it some day.

 

sondra