What would you do?

[nucki]

I'm soliciting opinions/suggestions/words of experience here.

 

I got an email the other day from my grandmother. My "cousin"* was in a really bad car accident back in January. It has left her a quadriplegic. My grandmother says that she's having a hard time coping (I can only imagine!) and that she's isolating herself from both friends and family (honestly, I think this is a fairly "normal" response to something like this).

 

My problem?

 

I want to do something for her - make something for her - but I'm undecided as to what. Considering it's been so long since the accident itself (apparently my "uncle" had been trying to call me for months but couldn't get through for some strange reason [i'm thinking he was dialling the wrong number]), I would like to get it done fairly quickly but there's no real rush. Which is why I would rather wait and get people's opinions before I actually start anything.

 

I was thinking a shawl - one of the suggestions I got over at Ravelry was for this shawl. I do like that one, I'm just wondering if it would even be appropriate for someone in their mid-20's who wouldn't even be able to feel it on her? (Or am I being ignorant thinking that in the first place?)

 

What do you guys think? I'm totally open to ideas here.

 

* - we're not actually blood related. Her dad was my uncle's best friend since they were school kids. They've always been a part of the family, and I've always called her dad "uncle," so she became "cousin" by default. I haven't seen her in over 15 years, because they moved from Illinois to Georgia and then her parents got divorced; she went to live with her mother. But before that, we were VERY close. I was at their house a LOT - sometimes even babysitting her (because I'm around 6 years older), but even then, it was like hanging out with a good friend. But they've always been considered family - not just by me, but by every member of my family. So this is hitting me really hard, and I feel almost desperate to do something tangible for her, something that virtually screams out "I love you."

[cdschlea]

My uncle is a quadriplegic. Has been for 45 years. Anyway, his autonomic system reacts to pain or infection with sweats and chills and he loves to take heavy afghans, throw them in the dryer and then wrap up in them. (He always gets first pick of my afghans at Christmas.)

 

So maybe a really sturdy afghan that can take heat and abuse for bad days (not so long it can get caught in wheels) and that beautiful shawl for light days or going out?

 

Good luck. And don't forget to call her often.

 

Colleen

[Real Deal]

I think a shawl is a great idea. I'd make one without fringe. Maybe a shell edging.

[Ladycrochat]

I think that since she has limited movement, a shawl can easily slip off of her shoulders.......I would consider making the shawler!

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=15005812

[smokeyp81]

My opinion, and please don't take this the wrong way, is to make her a shawl, take it to her if possible. Then after that, call, write, e-mail, visit!!! I have been through some difficult times in the past few years, and the things that made me feel better were the small things, like a friend e-mailing me with just everyday stuff. No "how are you doing" "how are you feeling"....treat her NORMAL.

 

Honestly I really don't think it matters what you make....just be the friend that you used to be and still are.....

[kel]

I think that you wanting to make something for her is awesome.

 

She may not be able to feel everything, but she can see it - and seeing it will bring her joy.

 

Don't forget about the simple things too - slippers that are cutesy like these will bring a smile to her face despite not feeling them - her tootsies are still there & need to be kept warm. Also headbands for her hair....pretty much all the things that a 20'something would love still apply, just in a different way. Sending her lots of little things like this in a steady stream will truly make an impact on her spirit while you work on a gorgeous shawl or afghan.

 

iPod cover, leg warmers, anything in her favorite colors that lets her know she is alive & loved.

 

I hope you keep us posted on what you decide!

Hugs:hug

[leaette]

can you make amis? i would make her a fun animal too. something cute other than the shawl. how about an xmas ornament?

[RusticOkie]

I agree with Kel. She's still a young woman in her 20s and so you should do things to reflect that. I think a lapghan or shawl would be great but I LOVE the idea of making small things afterwards and just keeping in touch.

[nucki]

My opinion, and please don't take this the wrong way, is to make her a shawl, take it to her if possible. Then after that, call, write, e-mail, visit!!!

 

Oh, how I WISH that were possible.

 

I've been living in the UK for 5 years now. Not only can I not afford the airfare to go visit, but there are legal difficulties surrounding my leaving the country.

 

If I could, though? I'd already be there.

 

Sending her lots of little things like this in a steady stream will truly make an impact on her spirit while you work on a gorgeous shawl or afghan.

 

kel, I love you!!!! I didn't even THINK of bombarding her with gifts! Thank you Thank you THANK YOU!!!

 

can you make amis?

 

Oh yes I can! That's a great idea, thanks!

[papersmiles]

How about some jazzy "leg warmers", wacky or pretty colored socks even wrist warmers or fingerless gloves done in her favorite colors. Maybe a trendy scarf to wear as an accessory like boas or curly-cues. Headbands and hair scrunchies (if she has long hair) are a good idea too. Perhaps some special and smallish lapghans. Pretty shrugs to keep her shoulders warm might be appreciated.

[Miss Crochet]

I think a shawl or a lapghan might be more appreciated when she has come to terms with her new condition. What I mean to say is, they are very invalid-y presents. They would perhaps make it even more evident to her that she is, and is seen as, a "person in a wheelchair" when that's the last thing she wants to be. I would make her something that celebrates her youth and energy and her sense of fun. Amis, if you think she'd like soft toys. How about a brightly-coloured Haekelbeutel that she could loop over the handles of her wheelchair - fill it with an ami, a headband, some funky fingerless gloves, stripy legwarmers, funny slippers, soft scarf or shawl... whatever is fun and colourful. Later on she might appreciate a lapghan, when she has accepted her condition.

[RoseRed]

I'd make a 2 strand afghan in her favorite colors.

 

It's just what I do. Something goes wrong I make an afghan.

 

and no - I don't think you're being ignorant in your thinking. I think you're being realistic.

 

I don't think a regular shawl is a great idea. Like someone else said - it'll slip off. A batwing like the Serafina or Angel Wings with a gorgeous shawl pin would work better since they come up and over the shoulders and will stay on.

 

I still think you can't go wrong with an afghan.

[namffoc]

I think a shawl that goes down your back is one more thing to cause a wrinkle (besides her shirts) and when you cannot move yourself or possibly feel a wrinkle you could get a decubitis from it. I think if you want something she can wear it should be a hat, gloves, socks, legwarmers, etc. Just my two cents...

[whatchacraftin]

I would do a quick little ami like the one you posted or maybe a Halloween one just to let her know you're thinking of her. It might make her laugh to get something like that in the mail.

[IamJolyn]

Instead of a shawl, what about a poncho? I am 20 something (tho almost 30!!!) and I love my ponchos. That way it wouldn't slip off and it would be warm. Just a thought.

[Hookmaster]

How about beside a shawl or afghan, a monkey with really long arms and the hands sewn together so it can go around her and give her a hug from you whenever she needs it.

[Rabbit9]

and that she's isolating herself from both friends and family (honestly' date=' I think this is a fairly "normal" response to something like this).

 

I'm just wondering if it would even be appropriate for someone in their mid-20's who wouldn't even be able to feel it [b']on[/b] her?

 

No, it's not. It's a response to how disabled people are treated. Often as a burden or as no longer like everyone else. Ever notice that the words invalid [in-va-lid] and invalid [in-val-id] are spelled the same? Ever wonder about why that is? My thought is...society. Please don't think that someone 20, or any age really, wouldn't like to have something beautiful like a shawl on them. Even more to know that someone still cared about them enough to take the time to make something so beautiful just for them. Physical disability doesn't change the fact that we all have the same feelings. Often quadriplegics can still feel, they just can't move on their own so the softness will probably be just as noticeable to her as anyone. If you were making a gift for her and she wasn't disabled do you you think she'd like it? That's all that matters. Like I said, feelings don't change.

[Sahahne]

Love the idea of sending a stream of gifts to her. It's hard to even imagine what a tough time she must be going through. I bet she'd really appreciate your thoughtfulness.

 

I think the slippers idea is nice - and you can make cute funky slippers. I made my sister (age 26) bunny slippers. I just used the basic pattern from Coats and Clark for slippers, added ears, sewed on a face with a heart button for a nose and then put some fun fur around the ankles). Her flatmate saw them and loved them so much, she wanted a pair too.

 

If you want to make a monkey like a previous poster suggested - this is a fantastic pattern. I've made 5 of these critters now and they are quick to work up and look so cute.

 

A scarf would be a nice idea too, seeing as winter's on it's way in the States.

 

I second the idea of a really cute little bag - there are so many gorgeous patterns that you could find one that would suit her, be practical as well as lovely to look at! Maybe put some nice perfume in it, lip balm etc - other little 'pampering' type items.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose! I'm sure she'll really appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness!

[kathome]

The really important thing here is not to stop sending. When a person first becomes disabled they are bombarded with cards, flowers and visitors. Then as time passes and people get busy with day-to-day life they tend to forget. Sad but true.

 

Here's an idea: from time to time post a request here on the 'Ville and/or at work or church for little "donations" of small gifts or cards. You will be surprised how many people would love to help out and send a card, encouraging note or a small gift to a total stranger.

 

May God Bless your dear cousin in the days ahead.

[Miss Crochet]

Ever notice that the words invalid [in-va-lid] and invalid [in-val-id] are spelled the same? Ever wonder about why that is? My thought is...society.

 

I hope you don't believe that my using that word reflected how I see a person with a disability. I chose that word deliberately because I have experience with someone in a similar position: my SIL's cousing (and we live in a small town so we know each other) was paralysed from the waist down following a car accident a few years ago. What he hated was being treated like an "invalid" or a "cripple" or a "pity case". He didn't want gifts like lap-blankets or anything that he associated with "old people in wheelchairs". He wanted people to continue to see and acknowledge him as a person with a disability, as opposed to a disabled person.

 

That's why I suggested initially giving the girl things that she would have loved to receive and use and wear BEFORE her accident, so that the OP shows that she is acknowledging and thinking of and celebrating the person, not the condition. I would definitely make her a lapghan or shawl for e.g. Christmas or New Year.

 

And my SIL's cousin has - after a long battle - adapted to his new situation and he is training for the next Special Olympics (wasn't ready for this one, but he and his trainer are hoping for the next one.) From the beginning onwards, though, he was a real fighter and immediately set about trying to make the best of his situation (hence the sport). The OP's friend seems a little different and therefore might be a bit more sensitive to anything that underlines her disability.

[nucki]

... He wanted people to continue to see and acknowledge him as a person with a disability, as opposed to a disabled person.

 

That's why I suggested initially giving the girl things that she would have loved to receive and use and wear BEFORE her accident, so that the OP shows that she is acknowledging and thinking of and celebrating the person, not the condition. ...

 

And that is precisely why I wanted to ask other people's opinions before I got stuck in on anything.

 

Part of my problem is that, since I haven't seen her in 15 years, I'm not really sure what she would or wouldn't wear (regardless of her current condition). Having been out of touch for so long makes things difficult.

 

But not impossible!

[Miss Crochet]

I think some of the previous posters made good suggestions about doing something on an on-going basis: if you could manage it financially, just send her a parcel once a month for the first year - it could just a book via Amazon or something you made yourself, something connected to a hobby she enjoys, just something small to get her over the first year, which will definitely be very, very tough...

 

I think you'll come up with some super ideas and people here are so creative, I'm sure you'll find lots of things that she'll love.

[losingmymind2]

Something beautiful for her will make her day. All of the suggestions are good ones. Mostly just something so she can 'feel pretty' and have pretty things around her. Most likely she has a tracheotomy or had one, and an airy scarf to cover it or the scar would be good. I've noticed the girls are sensitive about that scar and guys wear it with pride.

[kel]

Part of my problem is that, since I haven't seen her in 15 years, I'm not really sure what she would or wouldn't wear (regardless of her current condition). Having been out of touch for so long makes things difficult.

 

But not impossible!

 

Thats ok, better late than never, right? Since you may not know her favorite colors anymore, you could make slippers in your favorite color & then offer to make her another pair in any color she would like & that would start the "yarn ball rolling".

 

And since you live so far away (another country!) - you could send her picture postcards. I bet she would love that & those are always easy to pop in the mail when time slips away from you.