Why are we our own worst critics?

[Tampa Doll]

Why are we our own worst critics? I look around at all the threads and they usually start out with I just finished so and so. Please be kind, but honest.

Hey, I am just as bad, if not worse. I agonize over what I am making and then worry that no one will like it. I keep most of what I make, because I don’t think anyone would want it.

Now I have seen people make beautiful doilies, afghans, toys, baby things, sweaters and shawls just to name a few and we worry if anyone will like them.

Can anyone tell me how we or I can get over this? When do we get to the point, that we can say “Hay it looks good!” I guess the question is when are we totally satisfied with our work?

My Mom use to say that you should never make anything perfect, cause it will trap part of your soul in it. Hey, she was Irish what can I say.

I have been curious about this for a while and now I am putting the question to you guys and gals.

I know it sounds like I am looking for praise, but I am just curious. Do you ever get over worrying, or is this just part of the hobby?

[eebrs]

I think it's just part of being female. I had my son's pediatrician point it out as well. He was going through a clingy stage (which was completely normal for his age) and I thought that it was because I was having a difficult pregnancy and not there for him like before. She said that moms have a tendency to assume that it's there fault (ie not good enough).

 

I figure if what you have made makes you happy, then it has surved its purpose. It doesn't matter if anyone else likes it. Now if only I could take that to heart!

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

I know how you feel I'm always that way about things. My wieght everything I don't know why maybe because we expect more form ourselves than others do. I said something about the mistake thing in the froggin post the other day. The amish always have an error in their quilts I thing the idea of it is really neat http://www.quilt.com/History/HumilityBlockHistory.html

[misssmaggie]

I can't and won't speak for anyone else...but...being raised by an abusive father and a mother in denial that he was...then marrying a person that is emotionally, financially, and verbally abusive...and sometimes physically abusive...and having to live with him for 34+ years...would have a lot to do with it.

 

All my life...whatever I have done...it has been criticized...so...I am quite often ashamed to post pictures of my work. There is no encouragement here (at home, I mean)...so I feel as though it is not good enough.

 

In my heart...I know I am excellent in what I do...but I am afraid to admit it. Wait...I just did...didn't I...THANK YOU!!

 

See why I love it here at the "ville...

[Katchkan]

That is a tough question. No matter how many times I hear how good my work is, I still feel it's not going to be good enough to please others.

I know for me, part of it is my mother was and is very chincy with praise.

( understatement ) So I have always striven to gain approval and acceptance. So for some of us it's a left over from childhood.

We are also taught that it wasn't nice to be concieted. And we all want to be nice. At least I do.....

I envy the people that can sell themselve so well. They always seem so sure of their abilities. Me I still want to apoligize for taking up someones time.....

I am lucky that I married someone who has been supportive and believes in me. He pushes me to get my stuff out there. It has gotten easier over time to share with everyone here. But it took a long time. and I still worry that I am being too pushy.

[LaurieE]

It boils down to a lack of self-confidence. That's why this board (and others like it) is so helpful. The praise we receive from others helps to build our self-confidence because many times, this board may be the only place where we get praise.

 

It also goes back to a perfectionist attitude whether self-imposed or put on us by others. I used to be like that. Everything (and I) had to be perfect. I was going nuts over it. Then one day I took a stand - I am not God. Once I gave myself permission for "that's good enough", my stress level went way down. I still try to do my very best, but I don't stress about it anymore.

[Tiga]

Hmm...interesting question.

 

For me, crochet is the one thing I DON'T need reassurances about. I know I'm good and I know I do good work.

 

If I post pictures here, it's because I know that the people here can really appreciate the work, effort and talent I've put into whatever I've done.

 

Do I make mistakes? Sure. I'm not perfect. And I don't always make super hard, experienced-crocheters-only-need-apply patterns, either.

 

But, I think that acceptance of not being perfect and of not being a machine is what makes me accept my crochet as being "worthy" for some reason.

 

Every other aspect of my life, I feel like an utter failure - I'm 32, I'm unmarried, but I have a 4 year old daughter. We live with my mother - oooh, what a winning life choice there! I'm unemployed (yes, there are extenuating circumstances, but those never matter to me, lol). And to top it all off, I couldn't even make a baby right - my daughter has disabilities. Hey, when I turn on the guilt trip, I turn it on.

 

Now, I know none of the above really amounts to a hill of beans and that most of my life situation can be changed (and goodness knows I'm working on it). I'm actually even going to *gasp* therapy to help.

 

But, when it comes to crocheting, darn it, I'm good. It's the one thing in life I've ever been really, really good at. I'm not fast, but I've got a good eye for color, I can read a pattern and change it to make it do what I want (for the most part) and other people like my stuff.

 

So, for me, I don't ever question whether what I send out for a swap or to a friend is "good enough". I might question if they'll like the style or the colors, but I'd do that if I'd bought them something.

 

I think the only time crocheting isn't "good enough" is when your square turns out to be a triangle, and they you just call it a scrumble and make a free-form purse out of it. , and it's good enough again.

[darski]

ok, please see this as funny because I did when I thought it through...

 

I have been reading along and agreeing with what I see then I get that "You're so conceited... you tell people your patterns are cute" self talk.

 

In a post where we are supposed to see the value in our efforts, I see it as condemning me for daring to think I have something to offer. We really do need a good sometimes.

 

I honestly have never seen anything posted here that was not wonderful or funny or wonderfully funny and I read this thread thinking that there is something seriously wrong when people this talented have 'worthiness issues'.

 

I think it should be said that one of the greatest parts of Crochetville is the fact that we can feel this way about ourselves and yet this place encourages us to put our stuff out there and let our peers tell us what they think. It is safe to do so here.

 

You can say it took you a gazillion years to make this and you hated every stitch but now it looks ok.

 

You can say that it is your first ever thread doily.

 

You can say that this is the first wearable you have made.

 

You can say anything and people here will applaud you for even showing up because we understand the courage it takes to get over that Polite Training we all received; to be able to say ...

 

"Look at me and I did this!"

 

:manyheart:2magic

[KnicKnac]

I know for me, part of it is my mother was and is very chincy with praise.

 

That pretty much sums it up. I am almost 45 and I am still looking for praise from her. Some may remember the "sweater" issue of last year. It was nasty.

 

She has gone as far to tell me I should never say out loud how beautiful "I" think my daughter is to anyone. She says that makes other people feel bad. But do you know what I do? I am FOREVER telling my daughter how beautiful she is because I never heard it. I don't want MY daughter growing up with self esteem issues.

 

I don't want my daughter conceited - but I also don't want her to feel lower than others. I seriously don't understand what harm there is for me to tell her that she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I mean really, I'm her mother, aren't I allowed to think that? Aren't I allowed to sing that from the roof tops?

 

I digress.

 

I guess my prefacing all my show and tells with remarks like above is part of my upbringing, I want people to know I don't think I am better than the next person, "I" know I'm not, but I want them to know it. Does that even make sense?

 

What was this about originally?

[Tampa Doll]

Ok I understand wanting to have things perfect. I know about the "that's great from Mom" . Middle child here.

 

I like Kathy was lucky enough to marry someone who always praises what I make. Heck if I didn't make things small, he would have to move out.

 

 

I guess that could be the cause of us being our own worst critics.

 

Darn it we are good, we know it and we should stand up and be proud.

[Empress Busy Bee]

I think it's just being female, like someone mentioned.

Most of us do it with lots of areas in our life rather we realize it or not. Not everyone is trying to please grumpy mom or whoever. Sometimes we just pick up that behavior from our moms.

I don't think I ever put "please be kind". I also don't put "enjoy" or "for your veiwing pleasure". To me, those sound conceited. I usually try to put "thank you for looking".

 

Just my opinion.

[luvmnms]

it's takes one 'worthless' comment to erase a thousand 'atta girls' and plant that seed of self-doubt

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

It deff not just a woman thing men do it too. My hubby is so talented but he never thinks what he makes or does is good enough

[Navymomx2]

Boy ain't that a true statement. I remember when I was in a small school in the 1st & 2nd grade (15 students, 1 teacher for grades 1-12) everyone encouraged everyone, then there was my next school, much larger but not so much that there was too many problems, everyone knew everyone. Then came the 3rd school, much larger and I was the new kid and shy. No matter how much the teacher encouraged me in what I was good at, all it took was 1 of the most affluent students and her group to tell me how awful it was, any and all confidence went out the window. I can remember it was in the 6th grade is when I started questioning any talents I had.

 

I am proud of the talent I have and the talent everyone on here has. I love seeing the wonderful creations there are on here and because of the talent of our designers on here I have swallowed that lump in the throat and jumped in one things I didn't believe I could really do.

 

What a GREAT group!!!!!

Pam

 

it's takes one 'worthless' comment to erase a thousand 'atta girls' and plant that seed of self-doubt

[Empress Busy Bee]

It deff not just a woman thing men do it too.

Oh that's true. I didn't mean to imply that it was just a woman thing. I just meant that it's pretty common among us.

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

I didn't think that Now guilt & worrying about the littlest things that I think women do much more than men

[darski]

.... I also don't put "enjoy" or "for your viewing pleasure". To me, those sound conceited.

 

I usually try to put "thank you for looking".

 

Just my opinion.

 

I admitted the other day that my brain had gone on vacation without me (again:sigh ) so that might explain why I am not getting this but...

 

How are these comments conceited? What am I missing?

 

Next question... have I ever said those... hmmmnn

[rainbowridergrma]

I have felt that when I make something myself, I can't be objective about it. One minute I think it is really good, and the next minute I see all its faults. But I can look at some one else's work and see the good work, the great color choice and the creative talent that went into it.

 

Glenda

[Vik]

Hm ... Maybe because we look for perfection? ... But perfection doesn´t mean beauty. In fact, handmade items that look so "perfect" as machine made are not so pretty as those ones with small "imperfections"...

[Laura A.]

A timely topic because I'm in the process of reading a book about learning to love one's self, which is by no means the freedom to indulge in being self centered. However, somewhere along the way of our collective growing up, many of us seemed to retain ONLY the negative things we were told and not too many of the positive!

I firmly believe that whatever we continually tell ourselves, day after day, we come to believe as gospel, whether it's actually the truth about us or not. I wish it was easy to re-program this unbelievable brain we have which far out does any computer and feed it with care and compassion for ourselves as we do for everyone else around us. It's an ongoing process, but one which the wonderful people here on the 'Ville' should try......be kinder to ourselves first and then we can pass it on to others even more so than we already do.

[tempestuous_kitten]

A couple of thoughts -

 

One is - I put a lot of myself into the items I make. When I'm sharing them with others, I'm thinking that any criticism is about me not my work.

 

I'm always reminding myself that it is the imperfections which make it special. There are impersonal machines out there that will spit out perfect things without effort. But what they don't have are those lovely imperfections that make it a unique item.

 

2nd thought - when I'm feeling vulnerable, I try to anticipate all of the criticism to "protect myself" and end up bashing myself a lot harder than any other person does.

Now for the cheesy thought - We need to be our own because we should always be there for ourselves.

[Tiga]

Here is another thought - I think this might be a uniquely North American problem. I think we, here, in the great United States of Canuckistan (lol), tend to want to always work on improving ourselves and bettering ourselves, so we're often looking for what's "wrong" with something so we can "fix" it next time, rather than just appreciating something for what it is, mistakes and all.

 

We don't tend to value the, ahem, learning experience of something just for the sake of the experience, ykwim?

 

It's all about the outcome - what have we produced? Is it practical? Will it work? Is it correct? Have we earned our gold star/A/pat on the back?

 

Heck, we're like a bunch of dogs, waiting for a cookie, lol!

 

Seriously, though, so much of our modern culture revolves around being "right" and "being the best you can be", that I think we get too encouraged to focus on our mistakes and we rarely get encouraged to focus on what we do well.

[EmEyeAaay]

Seriously, I can so totally relate! I was just thinking about this, because even when I do feel proud of something I feel like I should be apologetic about feeling good about something I've made or done. I do think for me it does have to do with feeling polite and that being proud of myself is akin to self promotion and that that's not a good thing.

 

And I can raise my hand here and say my mom was a perfectionist the entire time we were growing up (and still is) I'm left handed, and while she never attempted trying to get me to write with my right hand, she would make me redo my homework over and over again until my writing was to snuff.

Even now, with my little doll that I just made, my very first pattern and I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself showing it to her, and the first things she says are why didn't you do ____ ?and why did you do _____ that way?

She doesn't even know how to crochet!

 

My dad on the other hand was super proud and was even telling some guy he was in a meeting with that I had sold my pattern already. I don't even know who he was talking to, I had just stopped by his office so that he could see my little ones.

Anyway, your thread struck a note with me and I couldn't help it, I was compelled to tack something on.

[Lady_of_Roses]

I think our lack of confidence and such is often a learned behavior from our families. My mother always sees something that could've been done better, and she picked that up from her mother. I in turn picked it up from my mom. So say if I make a blanket and I everyone who says it says it's beautiful. I invariably end up pointing out flaws, or what I think I can do better next time! I do the same thing with many things, such as cooking. Until I feel confident in the finished product I've made, I will always point out the 'flaw' I perceive.

 

Maybe sometimes we point out the flaws so that nobody can point them out for us in an unkind manner? Kind of like how kids will joke about stuff before classmates can make fun of them for it? (I have no idea if that makes sense)

[mathwizard]

I am mine own worse critic when my work is in progress. I have been know to rip out rows until I am satisfied. When my work is done I know at that point in time that it is perfect to my standards and I usually give away as a gift.

Critic in progress but work is perfect when done. I have the highest standards for crochet work especially my own.

Mathwizard