Assuage my guilt about an inherited project?

[pragmatica]

So, my grandmother died more than 15 years ago. No surprise. She was 92, suffering from dementia, and certainly not going to live forever. In advance of a possible move, my mother has gotten around to sorting out the remainder of her mother's possessions, which includes an unfinished afghan and about 30 skeins of very pretty rose, moss green, and white acrylic. (The colors are pretty; the yarn is scratchy.) Grandma started making this for me in the 1970s before she became incapacitated. It's probably a nice pattern for a girl in the 1970s...I suppose...they're white squares edged in moss green, with a flower cross-stitched in yarn onto the square. It is not to my taste at all, though I can see the aesthetic appeal of this pattern to my very old-fashioned grandmother.

 

Last year, my mother sent me the huge box of completed and partially assembled squares, and all of the rest of the yarn, with the instructions that because I CAN crochet, and because Grandma was making it for me, it is my responsibility to my grandmother finish this afghan. (My mother can also crochet, but she still has some serious issues about her mother, and she is a real stereotypical "knitting is better than crochet" snob, so she's never going to do it herself -- she's just happy to get this big festering bag of guilt out of her own house and into mine.)

 

I can't tell you how much I don't want to do this. I don't like the pattern, and I don't want to spend weeks working on something that I don't like, and then HAVE an afghan that I don't like to pass onto my own daughter. But I'm generally quite good about not having UFOs and working through my stash, and this huge bag of materials and squares is really upsetting me.

 

So as I'm writing this, which I started just to have an opportunity to vent, it occurs to me that maybe I can get away with turning the existing squares into a poncho or some other item of clothing for my daughter (she's five, and happy to wear anything I make, to the point that I must not abuse her trust)? Or maybe into a baby blanket that she can use with her dolls, and that will stay in the family? And I can use the rest of the stash (old, but acrylic, so not really interesting) to make stuff for charity? (I work at a family shelter; they always need blankets -- even if they're not the best quality material, they'll be fine as an outer layer on a stroller or crib.)

 

So, making the existing squares into something that Amanda will use honors Grandma's efforts, right? And using the yarn for a good cause is a good legacy?

 

All of this seems completely reasonable to me, especially since it uses the materials that Grandma made for her great granddaughter, but my mother, bless her heart, is occasionally a big bundle of nerves and guilt, and there's no telling how she'll react if I DON'T FINISH GRANDMA'S PATTERN EXACTLY THE WAY THAT GRANDMA INTENDED IT. (She's not really a complete loon; she just has issues in this area. It should tell you something that it took more than a decade for her to send me the big box and it came with really strict instructions about what I'm supposed to do with it.)

 

Thoughts? Am I the worst daughter who ever lived? Do I get to bust this stash the way I want? I could wait a few more years for my mother to pass away but every time I get out the luggage (the big box is in the storage closet), I'm stricken with guilt about the project, and I want to reclaim the space, and I want to DO SOMETHING with all this yarn. Help!

 

--Elissa

[crochet smartcat]

I would do as you suggest and make something that is more practical than an outdated blanket that would be shoved to the back of the closet, in hopes that it never sees the light of day. (I don't believe in making anything that will not be used, and would rather see my creations go to charity, than be stuffed in a closet, but this is me.)

 

If your mother inquires, just let her know that you thought that your grandma wouldn't mind the transformation, since you were able to use the existing items in her honor. Then using the remaining yarn for charity sounds like a wonderful idea.

 

I do understand over-reactive parents though, so you might find that it is best and less stressful to finish it as it was intended. You are probably the best judge of which will cause less tension in your family. I would put it aside for a couple of months and think about it. If your mom asks about it, then maybe that is a sign that you should finish the ghan, if she never mentions it again then go for the more enjoyable of the two.

[Luvmyrott'nboy]

Personally I think what you plan honors your Grandma's memory beautifully...you keep some in the family to hand down and the rest benefits the community.

 

Take it from me...I am 54 years old (A YOUNG 54 but that's another thread!), my mom had a boat load of issues when she was younger and now that I am caring for her (88 with dementia) I can see clearly that her issues were her issues and I spent entirely too much time worrying about 'em and worse, validating them.

 

You have some great ideas which reflect a big, generous heart. Go with 'em!

[smyz64]

Your grandmother would want you to have something that you liked, I'm sure. If the shoe doesn't fit, you can't wear it. I think it would be a wonderful idea to just take what's done, make something with it, and it would be wonderful, in your grandmother's memory to make charity items with the remainder of the yarn. IMHO.

[losingmymind2]

Welcome to Crochetville, Elissa!

I think your plans for the yarn are just fine. You will be making something to keep to remember your Grandmother and passing on the remainder of the yarn in blankets to warm the cold; what a wonderful way to honor her. I'm SURE your Grandmother's intent wat to make an afghan that would delight you. The age you were then, you probably would have loved it, but you have grown up; styles and your tastes have changed.

 

I say do what you want with the yarn, and if your Mother has a probelem with it, tell her to get over it. She GAVE you the yarn, and therefore it is now yours to do with as you see fit.

[Natasha]

I think your idea of using the squares for something for your daughter and the yarn for charity is a good one, but I wanted to share with you what crossed my mind as I was reading your post. If I were in your shoes, I'd hang on to the big box for a while longer (even though you're wanting to "do something with it"). You don't know how your feelings about this stuff, your grandmother, even your mother are going to change over the next few years. Who knows, as you get older, that box of old scratchy yarn and those 70's-looking granny squares may connect you to your memories of your grandmother in a way that you can't imagine now. Someday, you may *want* to finish that afghan and wish that you still had the materials that your grandmother used.

 

I'm overly sentimental, so this suggestion may not make any sense to you whatsoever. I experienced something similar to this with a pair of my mother's scissors. They are Wiss, and I remember watching her sew and use those scissors all through my childhood. When I moved out, she gave them to me to set up housekeeping. Oh, how I did not appreciate those scissors, and I cut things with them that I shouldn't have, and I just abused them. They got all rusty and ended up crammed in a drawer. My mom saw them one time and I could tell it made her sad. So, when I moved in with my new DH and his kids, I came across those scissors again. And, for some reason, those scissors became *really* important to me. I had them cleaned and sharpened, and they're as good as new. I guard those scissors now almost with my life. I have them tucked away where the kids can't get at them. The only explanation I can come up with as to why those scissors are so important to me now is that I'm a little older, a bit wiser, and those memories of my mom are *more* dear to my heart.

 

Just my thoughts....

[mudpie]

Elissa, I think it would be an excellent idea to use either some of the existing squares or some of the yarn to make a doll blanket for your daughter (and maybe even some doll clothing if you're up to that). When my daughter was small, I made her a little knitted scrap blanket for her doll cradle. She loved it and the idea that she could pick out a color in it and say, "That's the yarn Mommy made my sweater out of, and that's the yarn Mommy made Daddy's hat out of". It became an "heirloom" doll blanket. It's no different than the quilt my grandmother made for me with scraps from clothing that belonged to several family members (in the old days she didn't have the money to buy new material to make quilts). I cherished that quilt and felt so "loved" when I snuggled beneath it. And you can use the rest of the yarn any way you wish and not feel the least bit of guilt.

[kahud48]

I would do it up just like your Grandmother intended, then gift it to your Mom.

[JulieKay]

Elissa -

You're probably not gonna like my answer either, but I'm with Natasha on this . As I get older, I have learned how important family is to me . ALL of my family. We all have people in our families who are ECCENTRIC ... ODD... a Little Quirky ... But to me, that's what makes life fun . I am very big into family (reunions, family tree books, genealogy ) and I can truthfully say that if someone gave me a box like that of an afghan that My Grandma had started for me , it'd mean more than the biggest lottery ever won . I would finish it, keep it and pass it on to my own daughter someday .

I have nothing like that, but I have a few little odds and ends that I have collected throughout the years. They are all going into a special box to pass on . We will be going to make our wills sometime soon ( Not that I plan on kicking off anytime in the next day or two), but because it is REALLY important to me that these sentimental things go to someone who will care about them as much as I do .

PLEASE don't do anything just yet with it.. think on it awhile .

Someday you may wish you had that afghan , then it'll be too late !

[fruggs]

i agree with juliekay,

 

i think you might want to hang on to it a bit and then finish it the way your grandma intended.

I have the dearest blanket my mom gave my from her grandma, so my great grandma made it. it is a buch of old scratchy acrylic but i cherish it because she nade it, she hasd since passed away. The colors are atrocious but i love it.

 

I would keep it and probably finish it.

[badrhinogillett]

I think you've been given a magnificent gift. Yes, it's out of date colors and not your taste at all, but you have something made from your grandmother's hands intended for you. It's far too precious to be a doll blanket. Rather than making the blanket with the rest of the yarn, why don't you take what is there, and make it the center of an afghan. Finish the rest of it in colors that are more to your liking.

 

I see nothing wrong with taking the remaining yarn and using it for other projects, but I certainly would make sure that the existing squares were treated with reverence.

 

Think of the finished blanket as a hug from your Grandmother. It's an amazing gift you've been given.

[mythunderbird]

or you could finish it the way it is now and make it a lapghan, that you could give your mom (i am sure she gets chilly sitting in her chair, everyone i know that is older does and don;t take that the wrong way anyone, was just a statement as i know my mom and mil and grandmothers all got cold when they sat in the chair) then your mom could have the special memories of her mom and you would have honored grandma, then use the rest of the yarn for something special. i was honored to recieve all of my grannies stash of yarn and material, but ya know, polyester is just not my favorite material, so what i did with it, was i made lapghans out of it and donated them in my granmother s memory and made a lot of people happy, including grandma i am sure. i know she watches over us and i know she would have approved, its a hard desision, good luck sweetie and let us know what you do do with it, oh and welcome to the board:hug :hug

[Empress Busy Bee]

I agree with Juliekay, too.

Can you finish it and give the afghan to your daughter?

My great grandmother crocheted and from what I've been told it was beautiful stuff. From afghans to doilies to thread bedcoverings. I've never seen one piece. My family tends to move a lot and things disapper over the years.

What I would give to have something by my great grandmother, a woman I never knew and didn't get a chance to know because she got alzheimer's when I was very young.

Even if you don't like it, your daughter may cherish it later on.

[zagraham]

human life is a UFO.

 

That's a most sensible way of looking at it! Or, perhaps, all of life is a WIP.

 

Beth

[DainaJ]

I have another suggestion. Take the finished squares and frame one for each family member who would like to have something to remember your grandmother by. I recently helped my mother and aunt look through some of my grandparents' things, and this is what we thought of doing with some of my grandmother's handicrafts.

 

I can sympathize with not wanting to finish it, particularly when you were "ordered" to do it. This isn't about your grandmother, really; it's about your mother's issues, and you can choose not to get sucked into it. If it meant that much to her, she would have made the afghan herself and given it to you finished.

[snbarclay]

I think you've been given a magnificent gift. Yes, it's out of date colors and not your taste at all, but you have something made from your grandmother's hands intended for you. It's far too precious to be a doll blanket. Rather than making the blanket with the rest of the yarn, why don't you take what is there, and make it the center of an afghan. Finish the rest of it in colors that are more to your liking.

 

I see nothing wrong with taking the remaining yarn and using it for other projects, but I certainly would make sure that the existing squares were treated with reverence.

 

Think of the finished blanket as a hug from your Grandmother. It's an amazing gift you've been given.

 

I like her Ideal and thunderbirds Ideal also. I have nothing my mom crocheted and she has been gone almost 9 years . My sisters have it all. I never knew my grandmother but there was a table cloth made out of thread with roses and my oldest sister has it. I think you should make it as something you will always cherish and let it include her handywork as well as your own . If your mom crochets then let her help and do some of the work and it could be a group effort that you will always remember.

 

Good luck on whatever you decide and I am sure you will make the right choice that will suit you and your family

[buggaboosmommy]

Mind you, this is only my opinion..take with it what you want.

Personally, I would complete the afghan the way my grandmother intended as well. You are lucky to have something like that. My grandparents were killed in a car accident 8 years before I was born, so I was never able to meet them or have anything "passed down". I am jealous of people that have family heirlooms, even if it's an ugly gravy boat! I have seen many people around me lose their life, and in the end, you count your years in friends and family. In my dining room, I have two large quilt stands which hold quilts made from my great grandmother and other older family members for me and my children. All of them have since passed but one. Yes the quilts aren't that great..they were hand stitched and don't really match anything. One has a funky corner, one has a few missing stitches, and the backing to one is made from old flannel nightgowns..but it's the thought and the time that means so much to me. To me, it's what's put in them that makes them special..not if they "appear" to be trendy or my style.

Like I said..my opinion completely. She was your grandmother, it's up to you to decide what to do with them to honor her.

Donna

[cajunwhacko]

I agree with the idea of holding onto it for a while longer and seeing if your feelings about it change, at some point you may decide that you do want to finish it.

 

One thing that seemed to stick though reading your post and hearing about what your mother is like, I'd say you definitely shouldn't finish it and then give it to her. From what you said, I think she'd be very upset with the fact that you didn't keep the afghan that was meant for YOU. Give it to your daughter someday or put it on a guest bed, but don't finish it and give it back to your mom. Something tells me that would be opening a whole 'nother box of issues.

[Chain3turn]

I have to agree with the latter posters. If you're not interested in working on it now, pack it up and wait awhile. Then when Mom asks about it, you can say, "I haven't gotten around to it yet." I would give anything to find an UFO from my grandmother.....

[BY&BH]

My grandmother made all the grandchildren afghans in the colors of their choice for their dorm rooms. Shortly after college, and before I picked up crocheting again, I broke a glass over the afghan. The tiny shreads found their way into the stitches and foolishly I threw out the afghan. I don't know if I could have ever gotten all of the glass out, I never even tried. Gram has sinced passed and I really regret not even trying to save the afghan. I have other afghans she made for my family when I was younger, but I don't have the one she made for me. I inherited her stash when she could no longer crochet so I have a couple of partial skeins that she used for my afghan. I'm not sure what I'll do with them yet, but whatever I make with them will be very special to me.

 

My opinion, try to make something out of them. I like the previous post suggesting that you use the existing squares as the center of an afghan.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[Yearnin' for Yarn]

Well, I guess I don't see the point in finishing something you know you don't like and that you will likely stuff in a closet somewhere. Especially since you won't enjoy making it--it will just become tedious, dreaded "work" and not fun at all. You'll come to dread working on it and maybe even hate it. What kind of way is that to honor your grandmother?

 

I think your ideas are just fine. If you are a sentimental person, perhaps use what is finished to join together and then do your own thing around the edges as a border (however big or small that might be).

 

It is no fun to have a project hanging over you that guilts you and that you don't enjoy.

 

My great grandmother crocheted, too, and she made a blanket for each of us. Mine is currently at my parents' house in my bedroom there. A lot of what she made simply isn't my style (lots of granny squares with huge puffy flowers)---that doesn't mean I don't appreciate her work. She used scratchy acrylic, too, but that's beside the point. I love that she took so much time to make me something, but I think some people are just more sentimental than others.

 

You clearly don't want to finish this afghan, and I don't think that you are ungrateful or selfish or at all a horrible person for not wanting to finish that afghan. I wouldn't want to, either. I wouldn't expect any of my future grandchildren to do what your mother expects you to do. Ever.

 

If you want to hang on to everything and see if your feelings change, then do so. Otherwise, your plans sound just fine.

 

Take care, and welcome,

Nicole

[Lyndamic]

IMO, the whole point of your grandmother starting that blanket for you, was for you to have something she thought was nice. I really doubt she would want you to suffer and have guilt feelings over it. I would use it to make something like you suggested; a doll blanket or similar, so you have something from her as she intended, that can be kept in the family. Then do the charity thing with the remainder with a clear concience.My own mother has her times of being very manipulative through guilt. I have learned the best thing for me to do is to always be loving and kind with her, but be firm and just do what I am going to do and refuse to argue about it. The blanket was for YOU, not your mother.

[Katxena]

I love DainaJ's suggestion -- the framed squares would probably look really cool, and you could tell your mom that you were spreading grandma's love around. It would be a respectful, lovely way to use the squares.

[Timeflies]

I also inherited bags, boxes, and a suitcase! full of granny squares and skeins of yarn from my grandmother. They weren't specially for me, just squares she crocheted to stay busy. I work on them from time to time when I need something for charity or donation. The afghan she was working on for me I finished myself. She must not have liked working on it. She had it for years and would always put it aside to do some other afghan. (Thats a whole other story) I actually got the yarn after my mother past away. She had the yarn stored and when we went through her things my sisters past it on to me. Grandma probably turned over in her grave!!!

 

 

I hope you are able to use the yarn. Some of the old afghans have "character"!

 

Timesflies

[Chain3turn]

Well' date=' I guess I don't see the point in finishing something you know you don't like and that you will likely stuff in a closet somewhere. [/quote']

Tastes change over time. We all have had or do have yarn or fabric in our stash that we no longer like. But then somewhere down the road, they fill a need we have. Not to mention the emotional value it may have once time has passed.