I don't know what to say!

[Elle]

As I have written in the past, I am allowed to crochet at work. I work at a hotel, I am a manager, and I work the 3pm to 11 pm shift. Most of the staff lives in apartments here at the hotel, so we have all become like a family over the years. Our housekeeping manager has a granddaughter that I have watched grow up from a gawky twelve year old to an 18 year old young woman who is raising her now-three-year-old sister so that her mother can "find herself". She is now a senior in high school, and when the hotel was under the previous owner when she started school in September, she started a work-study program where she would go to school for four hours and then come out here and work in the laundry for four hours a day. She worked for a month, and then the owner defaulted on his mortgage and the previous owner, who owns her own finance company and was holding the mortgage, took the place back and she cut the staff dramatically, this girl's job being one of the jobs that was cut. It was not a big deal, she lives at home, so it wasn't like she had no way to support herself, she was just working for pocket money anyway. But I had to tell you that to set y'all up for the rest of the story.

 

About a month ago I was crocheting at the desk when she came over and was talking to me. She asked me if I would crochet a baby blanket for her to give to her teacher for Christmas. I figured sure, baby blankets go up in no time at all, and she asked me how much it would cost. As I said, I have watched this kid grow up and I know she's not rich, but I told her all I wanted her to do was pay for the yarn, I said she could give me $15. She got a big smile on her face and said "that's IT? Wow! OK!" Then a week later she came to talk to me while I was working on the Noah's Ark baby blanket. I had been invited to a baby shower for a woman that I barely know, but I figured eh, what the heck, it will be a nice gift anyway even though it's a lot of work. Well, the woman just up and moved out of the area and they moved her shower 90 miles away. I decided not to go at that point, and put the blanket down to do Christmas projects. The girl told me that her best friend was now pregnant and she "needed to ORDER another baby blanket for Christmas". I figured I had the Noah's Ark blanket 2/3 done, so I showed her a picture of it and asked her if that would be OK. She LOVED it and asked me how much, and because of who she is I told her "just give me $15 like the other one. You'll owe me $30 for the two blankets." She said OK. Well, for the last two weeks she has kept asking me "are the blankets ready yet?" and finally, Thursday, I gave her the one, and last night at work I was putting the appliques on the Noah's Ark blanket. I said to her "I will have this blanket finished for you on Sunday, can you bring the money on Sunday?" To which she replied "I don't have no money! I gotta get a JOB first!" I didn't know what to say!!! I literally was speechless! Now I have, in my opinion, wasted the last two weeks on these blankets when I could have been making gifts for ME to give to people, but I figured I could use the $30! Now I'm not even going to have THAT! Part of me wants to tell her that I just can't finish the other one now because I have my own stuff to do, but the other part of me is saying don't be so cheap, the kid's own mother ignores her, besides which, inasmuch as the mother does ignore her, the mother HAS been very generous in giving me things over the years, so I'm looking at it like nobody gives this kid a break, so maybe I should just do it, but why should I be the one to be inconvenienced at this very hectic time of year? Does anyone have any suggestions? What would y'all do?? Help!

[crpstx]

Give the blankets as Christmas gifts to someone who deserves them. This one is rude and inconsiderate, and doesn't deserve squat! Maybe there's a reason the mother ignores her??

[Priszm]

Can you forgo the money (I know, it's always great to have) and have her work it off by doing chores for you?

[Elle]

Give the blankets as Christmas gifts to someone who deserves them. This one is rude and inconsiderate, and doesn't deserve squat! Maybe there's a reason the mother ignores her??

 

It's too late for that. I already gave her the one blanket and she gave it to the person already. And as mad as I am, I still keep thinking that if I don't give her the second one, she won't have a gift to give to her friend, and I don't want that to happen either. But then another part of me says that she has to learn a lesson, and that is that she can't just go around "ordering" things for people if she doesn't intend to pay for them! She wouldn't go to a store, pick up a handful of things and then tell the cashier "I don't have no money!" and walk out of the store with the stuff, right? So I'm really torn here. I am going to talk to her grandmother (my friend, the housekeeping manager) either this afternoon or tomorrow morning. I know I will see her in the morning, but today is her day off, so I don't often see her on Saturdays. I will tell her the story and see what she says. She is the most fair-minded person I know, so we'll see what she says.

[Elle]

Can you forgo the money (I know, it's always great to have) and have her work it off by doing chores for you?

 

Unfortunately, there's really nothing that I can have her do for me. I don't dare have her walk Katie for me, she's afraid of dogs and Kate, being a herding dog, if she gets away from her and a motorcycle goes by, we won't catch the dog until she hits the Mexican border! There's really nothing I can have her do at work because she doesn't know how to do anything. Besides which we have people to do everything that needs to be done. The girl isn't real bright, and I'm not saying that to be mean, she's just not. I wouldn't even let her, say, organize my stash, because SOMETHING would go wrong.

[SlowCrocheter]

Since she wants to give it to a non family member I would not worry about her not having a gift for that person. She can explain to her friend that since she has no job right now she could not get her a gift. I have done that in the past and I am sure I well have to again.

I would just would not give it too her. I am sure someone well come along that is more worthy of the second one.

She should of said up front she would have to owe you or that she would need to pay for it later.

[Craw]

I see your dilemma. Perhaps she does mean to pay you when she gets a job but that's not the point. She needed to say something when placing her "order" with you. Having a talk with her grandmother may give you an idea of what to do.

 

Wow! The Noah's ark blanket for $15??? Can I order one?

[Krakovianka]

It's a tough situation to be in, for sure. If you do decide to give her the second blanket, I think I'd accompany it with a gentle discussion about responsibility, fairness, and obligations. Estimate the time it took to make (which you could have spent on something you need to make yourself), and ask her if she'd be willing to give up that much time to do something for no return at all? Because she's young, and you seem to feel that you stand in the place of a close friend/aunt or something, a few judicious words might make a big difference. It's a tough call, either way.

[leaette]

i would say "well, when you get the money, i'll give you the blanket" and leave it at that.

like you said...you can't go in a regular store and tell the cashier " i don't have any money".

she's 18. she should know about trading money for goods. it's not like she is 3 and doesn't understand the exchange of money for goods. and if she doesn't pay you, well then look at it as you have a gift all ready to go for the next baby shower you go to. and you won't have to worry about making a gift for it.

[codymikki]

"If you do decide to give her the second blanket, I think I'd accompany it with a gentle discussion about responsibility, fairness, and obligations."

 

If you have a gentle discussion and you still give her the blanket, the "discussion" will be meaningless. She needs to understand why you are not giving her the blanket, IMHO.

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

I wouldn't give the second 1 to her she allready got 1 for nothing & like another poster said if she's jobless the friend will know that. Take it as a lesson & get the money up front before you even buy the yarn next time

[Knit Happens]

It sounds like you will feel badly NOT giving her the blanket. I feel like...it is completed, your intention was to make it (both) and give it (them) to her all along, and if you kept it from her and repurposed it as a gift to someone else, it would bring you no joy. In the spirit of the holidays, I'd give her the second one and gently let her know the amount of time and effort you put into making them, time that certainly could have been spent working on other things that are on your "to do" list, and mention the $30 that she intended and promised to pay for the gifts. Let her know that you anticipate and expect that, over time, you will get paid, even if it is in installments, because you understand and appreciate her situation. Then, it is in her hands...if you get paid eventualy, fine, but what would the harm be, really, if you wind up chalking it up to a failed consignment? Your karma, at least, would be positive. Clearly, this girl doesn't get the attention she needs and perhaps was reaching out to you because she sees that you crochet with much love and she wanted to give a little bit of that to someone else. Of course, you won't be making anything else for her "to order" ever again; all you have to tell her is, if the situation arises, "sorry; I really don't have the time for special orders right now." I'm not suggesting any of this to salvage a relationship or such--I just think that you letting it all go will be better for you...when it is over with and done, it's over and gone. Hugs, D

[Elle]

Since she wants to give it to a non family member I would not worry about her not having a gift for that person. She can explain to her friend that since she has no job right now she could not get her a gift. I have done that in the past and I am sure I well have to again.

I would just would not give it too her. I am sure someone well come along that is more worthy of the second one.

She should of said up front she would have to owe you or that she would need to pay for it later.

 

I have a feeling that this will be what her grandmother will say, also. She has no sympathy for people who get themselves into situations and she feels that people need to own up to their responsibilities. I really can't wait to talk to her about it, not only for her advice, but so she knows what the girl did, because you never know, if she did this with me, who knows who else she has "arranged" things like this with, or rather, might try to arrange things with in the future, who might not be as understanding as I am trying to be.

[Elle]

I see your dilemma. Perhaps she does mean to pay you when she gets a job but that's not the point. She needed to say something when placing her "order" with you. Having a talk with her grandmother may give you an idea of what to do.

 

Wow! The Noah's ark blanket for $15??? Can I order one?

 

Not only didn't she say that she didn't have the money when she placed her "order", but we discussed the money, and I told her that all I was going to charge her for was the cost of the yarn, and she said that was fine and she thanked me! And for the last two weeks, every time she has seen me, she has asked me if the blankets were ready yet! So I KNOW it wasn't just my imagination that she wanted them, nor did I misconstsrue and think that she was saying that she WOULD buy them IF she had the money! She has badgered me about them, telling me the dates she needed them by! I thought that $15 was a fair estimate of the yarn that I bought because the appliques on the Noah's Ark blanket are just made with scraps, I didn't need to buy yarn for anything other than the body of the afghan.

[Elle]

I wouldn't give the second 1 to her she allready got 1 for nothing & like another poster said if she's jobless the friend will know that. Take it as a lesson & get the money up front before you even buy the yarn next time

 

I've already made up my mind that if she asks me for anything else, she will have to give me at least half the money up front the next time. At least that way I am sure to get SOMETHING for it. I haven't yet decided what to do with the second blanket. Part of me wants to be tough and not give it to her, but then the other part of me keeps thinking about all of the things that her mother has sent to me. Her mother does a lot of experimenting in the kitchen and is always sending me huge trays of food and six or eight coils of deer sausage, things like that. So I don't want to sound like I'm being chintzy, but I feel that she needs to learn responsibility, because if she doesn't learn that, it's going to affect a lot more than just me negatively. She needs to learn that if she doesn't have the money, she can't go around Christmas shopping like an adult, buying this for this one and that for that one. Stick to the dollar stores until you've got a steady income, THEN you can shop like an adult for Christmas.

[Elle]

It sounds like you will feel badly NOT giving her the blanket. I feel like...it is completed, your intention was to make it (both) and give it (them) to her all along, and if you kept it from her and repurposed it as a gift to someone else, it would bring you no joy. In the spirit of the holidays, I'd give her the second one and gently let her know the amount of time and effort you put into making them, time that certainly could have been spent working on other things that are on your "to do" list, and mention the $30 that she intended and promised to pay for the gifts. Let her know that you anticipate and expect that, over time, you will get paid, even if it is in installments, because you understand and appreciate her situation. Then, it is in her hands...if you get paid eventualy, fine, but what would the harm be, really, if you wind up chalking it up to a failed consignment? Your karma, at least, would be positive. Clearly, this girl doesn't get the attention she needs and perhaps was reaching out to you because she sees that you crochet with much love and she wanted to give a little bit of that to someone else. Of course, you won't be making anything else for her "to order" ever again; all you have to tell her is, if the situation arises, "sorry; I really don't have the time for special orders right now." I'm not suggesting any of this to salvage a relationship or such--I just think that you letting it all go will be better for you...when it is over with and done, it's over and gone. Hugs, D

 

Your post pretty much summed it up. As mad as I am, I don't want her to be embarassed in front of her friend, but I don't want to be taken advantage of, either. If I give her the blanket, though, at least I held up MY end of the bargain and my conscience is clear. I will decide after I talk to her grandmother. I'll go with what she says to do, since she's basically raising the girl. I just had to post about it here because I knew that I could count on all y'all to know how I feel!

[ratdog]

Oh Brother! GIVE HER THE BLANKET ALREADY!

 

THis kid has been abandoned by her own mother and is trying to finish school, care for a three year old and support a pregnant friend! This girl lost the job she had through no fault of her own!

 

PLEASE show her that there are caring people in the world and that you are one of them!

 

She sounds like she needs a loving gesture.

[magiccrochetfan]

I think whatever you decide as far as giving her the blanket or not, it would be good to have a frank talk with her so she knows how her actions affected you. I think that could help her learn some responsibility--it sounds like she needs some help in that department. And that she needs all the positive role models she can get.

 

You said she is raising her 3 year old sister while mom "finds herself", yet mom is still physically nearby apparently if she is sending you food. That makes me wonder how many times the daughter has been promised something by the mom, and mom has not followed through after the daughter fulfilled her end of the deal. If so, the daughter is behaving as her mom has "taught" her, that it is OK to promise something and then have an excuse at the last minute. You can't change that, but you can show her another way to interact with people.

 

And, it sounds like it isn't really the money that bothers you , but the apparent lack of appreciation for your work. I'd talk to her about that too.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[Chiscrochetcrazy]

I've already made up my mind that if she asks me for anything else, she will have to give me at least half the money up front the next time. At least that way I am sure to get SOMETHING for it. I haven't yet decided what to do with the second blanket. Part of me wants to be tough and not give it to her, but then the other part of me keeps thinking about all of the things that her mother has sent to me. Her mother does a lot of experimenting in the kitchen and is always sending me huge trays of food and six or eight coils of deer sausage, things like that. So I don't want to sound like I'm being chintzy, but I feel that she needs to learn responsibility, because if she doesn't learn that, it's going to affect a lot more than just me negatively. She needs to learn that if she doesn't have the money, she can't go around Christmas shopping like an adult, buying this for this one and that for that one. Stick to the dollar stores until you've got a steady income, THEN you can shop like an adult for Christmas.

 

Just remember she is not her mother so therefore she hasn't done all those things for you her Mother has I would ask her Mother what she thinks you should do. She does need to learn responsibility IMO and someone needs to teach it to her. I think that's a great lesson to learn & that you'd be doing more for her if she did learn something from her behavior, rather than learning you can munipulate people & get away with it Tough love is hard when you're a caring person but in alot of cases is the best move. Good Luck in whatever you choose to do & sign me up for 1 of those $15 Noahs Ark Afghans too

[Yarnluver]

Oh Brother! GIVE HER THE BLANKET ALREADY!

 

THis kid has been abandoned by her own mother and is trying to finish school, care for a three year old and support a pregnant friend! This girl lost the job she had through no fault of her own!

 

PLEASE show her that there are caring people in the world and that you are one of them!

 

She sounds like she needs a loving gesture.

 

Forgive me but I think that your view is a little naive. This girl comes from a dysfunctional home so at her age she has probably learned how to manipulate people in her favor. Let's not forget that she's already 18 which legally makes her an adult and that behavior is just not acceptable in an adult. I am almost sure this girl will not really see the gifting of the blanket as "generosity" but as her being entitled (to not follow some basic rules of society) because of "her situation" - we already have too many people like that in this country, let's not contribute to make another one!

 

She knew from the beginning that she had to pay some money but she had no qualms to say "I got no money" which indicates to me she never intended to pay but was counting on Elle to feel sorry for her. Let's also not forget in this life there are people who are takers and they will take advantage of those of us who are givers. Her circumstances sound sad but we also don't know all the details, in any case, I don't think it's up to one person to try to compensate for all the bad things in someone else's life. Setting healthy boundaries is not uncaring, to the contrary, it's a lesson this girl needs and that will benefit her in the future.

 

So I say DON'T give her the 2nd blanket and do tell her it's not responsible to act that way.

[champygirl]

I aggree with Yarnluver. She put it very nicely.

 

It doesn't sound like the girl had any intention to pay in the first place and the way she put it was very very disrespectful. For her to badger you about getting them done and then say oh and I dont have money and still feel entitled to them. Well thats just wrong. You were being kind giving her such a great deal on the afghans in the first place and I think she took advantage of your kindness. You need to put your foot down and say no. The way she's going now, she's going to be doing this to other people for a long time. It also sounds like she has a little more growing up to do to.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but its the way I feel about the matter.

If it was me I wouldn't give her the other afghan, but if it would give you peace of mind go for it. It just burns me that you were trying to be kind and someone took advantage.

 

I wish you goodluck on your decision.

[Lady_of_Roses]

Forgive me but I think that your view is a little naive. This girl comes from a dysfunctional home so at her age she has probably learned how to manipulate people in her favor. Let's not forget that she's already 18 which legally makes her an adult and that behavior is just not acceptable in an adult. I am almost sure this girl will not really see the gifting of the blanket as "generosity" but as her being entitled (to not follow some basic rules of society) because of "her situation" - we already have too many people like that in this country, let's not contribute to make another one!

 

She knew from the beginning that she had to pay some money but she had no qualms to say "I got no money" which indicates to me she never intended to pay but was counting on Elle to feel sorry for her. Let's also not forget in this life there are people who are takers and they will take advantage of those of us who are givers. Her circumstances sound sad but we also don't know all the details, in any case, I don't think it's up to one person to try to compensate for all the bad things in someone else's life. Setting healthy boundaries is not uncaring, to the contrary, it's a lesson this girl needs and that will benefit her in the future.

 

So I say DON'T give her the 2nd blanket and do tell her it's not responsible to act that way.

 

I could add my own two cents to this, but I think this post pretty much sums up my feelings on it. This isn't about the money, or the amount of time invested in the blankets. This is about someone learning a lesson about right vs wrong. I was poor as a child and I simply did without stuff, or I would have tried to arrange alternative payment / services / trade before agreeing to that very cheap price tag!

[pasteeater]

Give the blankets as Christmas gifts to someone who deserves them. This one is rude and inconsiderate, and doesn't deserve squat! Maybe there's a reason the mother ignores her??

Wow!!! I didn't see her as rude or inconsiderate. I thought she was implusive and wasn't thinking. Saying this is a reason for her mother ignoring her? Wow. The girl basically raises her three year old sister and goes to school full time, and WAS working.

 

If it were me I'd do one of two things: I'd either tell her when she had the money I'd give her the blankets. Or I'd just give them to her anyway. I know most people will disagree with me. But as for me, I always try to do good with my hooks and yarn and if I could help someone who needed it, I'd be happy. It's unfortant that it happened at this time of year, but I don't think the girl was trying to be rude or take advantage of you. I think she was implusive and wasn't using her head. 18 year olds don't always think they way an older [i'm not calling anyone old!] person would. I'm sorry this happened.

[hookdonU]

Ok but how many 18 year olds are raising a three-year that is not their own??? I say show her that kindness exists and if you're going to have the discussion about responsibility, put it into something she can relate to.

 

And just because someone had a bad break and irresponsible parenting, DOES NOT make a person manipulative.

[Crafty_Mel]

Elle I have to say from what you have said the Lord is giving you the perfect opportunity to serve and there is not a greater reward in life like serving the Lord

 

God Bless:hug