Saying No Politely...

[gabbygayle]

I was almost finished with one of those Annie's Attic Bed Dolls when my daughter-in-law's sister asked me if I'd make one for her. She offered to buy the thread and the Barbie--like that was a big deal! After I explained how long it took to make each one and that I was making one for each of my daughters and an aunt; she kind of backed down. 'Specially when I explained that you could buy them made up for almost $1000 from Annie's Attic at that time--and that was mainly for the labor involved! hehehe

 

Other than that, I taught my daughters the basic stitches, but they didn't really want to know how to read patterns until they wanted a special item--so I bought them each a book with the pattern in it that they wanted. If they want it bad enough, they would learn it--and I would be there to help, if necessary. My oldest daughter really got into it, but the youngest one is still doing ripples and granny squares that I originally taught her..

[Nan-Nan]

When I make things, whether sewing, crocheting, knitting,embroidering etc. I make them because I want to. Not because someone else wants me to. If I make them for other folks, again it's because I want to, not because I have to or they want me to. My family members are the only ones who can say "Mom/Grandma would you make me a (whatever) please?" Even then I make it in my own time and my own way. I do n't use patterns much so it has to be that way. I have had people say "Oh will you make me one of those, I'll pay you." I say" no, I don't do this for money but if I did, YES you would pay me. I would have to charge $25 per hour plus materials. No negotiations or anything, the answer is No, I don't do this for money. It isn't rude & if people don't/can't accept that then they're the ones with a problem.

[KateCrochets]

My aunt taught me her line "I only crochet for love; not for money". However, this is hard when people then want to say "what, you don't love me enough, then?"

 

It's hard for me to say no, too. (Not to not do it, just to be even mini-confrontational enough to flatly say "no" and not dance around it!) I will have whole conversations in my head where I tell someone "yeah, like I'd make you anything again!" or "what, so you don't have to buy a towel for your dog to pee on?", but when it comes to it I just dance around it and don't commit and let them just figure I won't without actually telling them why .

 

I've had people say about my work "that's really pretty.... you could probably sell that for like $20 on eBay!" and think they are complimenting me. I want to stab them with my crochet hook! That says not only do you have no concept of the time and skill that went into this, you have the cajones to say you would value it "$20 on eBay"s worth if it was given to you! Those people clearly don't receive my work!!!

[PBLKNP]

I've had the OPPOSITE problem with one afghan I made as a present...I made an afghan for some friends for Christmas last year. Keeping in mind that they don't have the money for dry-cleaning, and have four cats that alternately scratch and barf on things (I have a cat, too <g>), I picked out a yarn that I knew would hold up to machine washing. I also took careful note of their living room furniture and picked out colors that would coordinate. They adored the thing when I gave it to them.

 

Several months later, I went over there to visit...but no afghan! I asked them how they were liking it. They swore up and down that they used it a lot and loved snuggling under it. Where was it? It was neatly folded up in a bag next to the sofa. Why? "We don't want the cats to scratch and barf on it."

[Vik]

Never happened to me, yet...

[Somethin'Shady]

I made a baby afghan for a friend's son's first born. They knew it would be a girl and I made light green, pink and white for her. Very thick, cozy on chilly Montana nights. When they saw it, they were very complimentary and gushed that the new baby would have it forever. (Well, most of us know what happens after baby outgrows them -- pet beds, back of the car throws, packed away in the closet, etc.)

 

Knowing this, I made sure I made it with washable yarn, and asked the new parents when their daughter was old enough, let her take it outside and drag it through the dusty drive, play with her baby dolls on it and give it some real use! Back then, they were appalled.

 

Well, it's 3 years since I made it, and when I stopped by a few weeks ago, Little Mac had her baby blanket outside, under a sprawling diamond willow, her babydolls settled for a picnic. The blanket was dusty grey, her mom was embarrassed, but I reminded her that's what I made it for her daughter for.

 

She confided it washes up bright as new and Little Mac takes it everywhere - even out in the field to talk to the horses and in her daddy's ranch pickup - the one that never seems to get cleaned out, hauls a water tank and both dogs. I'm just tickled they let her have it to do with what she will.

[xampx]

Im abrupt and northern. Id just say that i dont see why i should make something when the last thing i made is lying in a heap, but admittedly that wont work with everyone

[CLLinda]

It is very hard to say no. Especially to friends and neighbors. I know I just got rooked making a cover for a swing because I didn't say no. I will charge for it.

 

I love to crochet, sew, etc. but sometimes my skills are abused.

 

I think I need to get a backbone and say that I can't do it. I do like the idea of teaching someone how to crochet so that they learn what value your product actually is.

 

We all need to only do things that will be appreciated. But maybe I am just dreaming.

 

Linda:manyheart

[butterfly_girl]

I haven't taught anyone to crochet yet, but some ppl have been interested. I do beadwork, and make dream catchers, or at least i used to. It's something that I enjoy doing, and crafts for me are relaxing and time for me to get in my own space. I taught a friend how to make dreamcatchers....and all she did was turn it into a money making thing. she was knocking them off like crazy and selling them to everyone at work. I was really disappionted in that, becuase that's all it was to her, was money...

 

I make things, and sometimes let ppl claim things...but that's hard, becuase yarn can get expensive! Thank goodness, my mom fully supports my yarn addiction and a every once in awhile i'll get to go to her house and have to pick up the latest addition to my stash! and she gets a lot at once! lately there hasn't been less than 6 or so of one color! The last lot contained about 15 skeins of wool too!

[nucki]

I haven't actually encountered a situation where someone asked me to make something and I wanted to say no. Not that nobody's asked me - I get asked a lot. But I guess I'm lucky in the sense that the people I DO get requests from, are people I'm more than happy to do it for.

 

I made a blanket for my neighbor's grandson when he was born. Very simple, just rows of dc, but they really seemed to love it. He kinda doesn't have it anymore... but that's his fault. Apparently he loved it so much he wore it out! he would stick his fingers in the holes between the stitches, and pull on it. I kinda had mixed feelings about that... I had hoped that if Charlene (the mother of the baby) had any more kids, she might be able to get to use it again. But on the other hand, I was glad that he obviously loved it so much. My 9 year old daughter loved her blankie so much that before she set the house on fire when she was 5, it became almost like another person to her. Blankie went everywhere with her except school. Hers was full of holes, too. I think it's just the perfectionist in me that had a momentary panic attack, knowing that it was falling apart.

 

But I'm like a lot of people... I know that if I had a request that I really didn't want to fill, I'd have a hard time saying no. I'd probably do it eventually (say no, that is), but not until after making 100 excuses as to why I couldn't do it.

[craftyrefunder]

Hi all,

I have made an afghan for a coworker recently. She had asked for at LEAST 6 months, and I just didn't feel ready to make it. She wanted a baby pink queen sized afghan for her bed. Sooo, I finally made it. It took me a couple of months, but each time she asked about it, and I told her i was progressing, she got ALL EXCITED!!! She said she couln't wait to put it on her bed, asked how to care for it, etc. I did just ask for materials, but she gave me $20 more that I asked for. I HATE to charge my friends too much, cause most of them aren't rich, either. This was my 1 and only queen sized afghan I have done, and won't make another unless I come across someone I KNOW will appreciate it and use it like Kandie is. She still tells me she loves that afghan.

 

Now, I do a LOT of small afghans, hats, scarves, etc. And WILL take orders for those no problem. I also do a LOT for charities, and I KNOW those will be cherished and used. I won't make anything for someone that won't cherish and use it at all. Why waste you're time??? If they insisted and had not used the one they got before, I'd ask for 50 to 100 dollars - that would get them off you're back, and it would be their decision- nothing to feel bad about.

Kris

[Carol]

Only two people have asked me to make something for them. The first is someone who loves my shawls and offered to pay me for the yarn, which she did. She's always very appreciative of anything I give her, so I was happy to make her a couple of shawls for cost of materials. (I went on to make her another as a Christmas gift.)

 

The second person who asked me wanted me to make red and purple fun fur scarves for all the ladies in her Red Hat club. (I had made her one as a Christmas gift; it took four skeins.) They were appalled to learn I would have to charge a minimum of $25 per scarf -- $20 for materials and only $5 for labor. So she wanted it one color, and shorter, but that would have been $15, and the ladies in the club were still appalled at that! So I just said, well, I'm not going to go in the hole on this deal; if they want to pay me cost of materials plus a little more, I'd be happy to make them. They decided they didn't want them if I couldn't go below $10 per scarf.

 

Plus, this was an old friend of mine for whom I'd made a beautiful afghan a few years back when she was very ill and having a very difficult time. A few months later, she informed me she was moving and didn't want to have to pack the afghan, so she was going to give it away. I told her to give it back to me, but she never did, and I haven't seen it at her house since.

 

Unless you really do want to do the job for someone who appreciates it, just say no, as Nancy Reagan used to say. "Thanks so much for asking, but I really can't right now," OR "I'm flattered you asked, but I don't work for hire."

 

I have stopped making anything for anyone unless I absolutely know for certain they will like it. The other thing I've had to teach myself is that a gift belongs to the recipient; what they do with it after I give it to them is their business and their right. But if I find out they got rid of it, or don't appreciate it, they don't get any more from me.

[Squarah]

It sounds like the #1 underappreciated item is an afghan. That doesn't surprise me at all. They're pretty, but unless you live somehwere very cold, they really just take up space. It's a very impractical gift that's just asking to become clutter in a corner.

 

So I would stay away from making people afghans unless you know for a fact that they want and need one. Otherwise, make them something smaller and more practical like slippers, a sweater, or a bag. It's cheaper and less of a time commitment anyway! I love handmade things, but what the devil does anyone do with an afghan anyway but fold it up and store it in the closet? If you can't handle it ending up in a closet or a corner, for heaven's sake don't make an afghan.

[victoriarose]

"Now she wants another" !! Sorry to be so straight-forward...but NO WAY. I put my heart and soul into every piece/project I create, be it my design or someone else's pattern. Someone, somewhere, along the line, thought of an idea, put it to paper, and then worked it into a masterpiece. Is the Mona Lisa thrown into a corner?!!!!!!!! Please forgive me if you don't agree!

[countingsts]

LIKE THE NIKE AD SAYS, JUST SAY NO! AND YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE A REASON:no

[Bethany]

Obviously a lot of people are jerks, but I also tend to agree with Squarah that an afghan is a highly problamatic present. Because they take a long time and a lot of yarn to make, the maker obviously wants them to be loved and cherished for a long time. But they're also an item of home decor, and as soon as the recipient changes their decorating scheme, which they're likely to want to do periodically, then there's a good chance they're going to stop using the afghan.

 

My mother has had multiple afghans that made the transition from throw to cat bed to in-the-closet (as the next afghan became the cat bed) and she definately appreciated the work that went into them because she crocheted them herself. It's just the nature of the afghan beast.

 

So for the only person not-my-Mom who asked me to make something for her was my dissertation advisor, who immediately said, "Make me one!" when she saw my plastic bag bag. I was taken by surprise and stammered something about not having time, but that was mostly surprise. They really don't take long and this is my dissertation advisor, after all. I'm making one for her now. I'll surprise her with it when I see her at a conference this fall. :-)

[chichiwawa]

I made a hat,scarf and mitten set for someone before. Their neighbor wanted me to make the same thing for her 2 granddaughters. When I told her that it would be either $20 or $25 per set depending on the yarn, she got upset. Just because crocheting is a hobby that I enjoy doesn't mean I'm a sucker. You pay astronomical prices for shoes that someone makes with machines but my own 2 hands aren't worthy of payment? Guess again. Now I just say "Not for free" when someone asks. Mean but practical.

[MonkeeGroupies]

I usually kind of laugh it off and say how slow I am with my projects and that it would take me forever to finish. When i make something for someone, I usually choose and make the item without telling them.

[scc51055]

when asked to make something for some one and they tell me they will get the yarn i politely tell them that i do this for fun and relaxation, not as a job or for the money. If they get me the yarn and i were to agree, i would feel pressured to make it in a very timely manner and make it PERFECT! and that would be too much stress and take away the fun and the "therapy" crocheting gives me:lol

[amdm]

Every single word written could have come from my heart. Every single bitter experience could have been mine. Now I tell people who ask that I don't take orders, and offer to teach them. If they were expecting it free this stops them in their tracks, and of course they are much too lazy to learn.In any case, they want it handed to them, not slog over it or pay for it. I am choosy about whom I make gifts for, because I want the process of making and the process of giving to be a total pleasure for me.

[eurolyons]

Over the years and not just with crocheting, I've been asked to make things and you know for the most part I don't mind...but I've discovered that I do not like doing custom work...because that places too much control of my craft into other people's hands. It feels like a set up and then I don't enjoy what I'm doing. And then added insult is if they don't like what I've done, it's not what they thought it was going to be like and so on. What completely cured me of ever doing custom work (short of picking a color) was when I made an afghan for my mom and she gave it away that very night because the colors weren't right.

 

Therefore, I simply don't do custom work, my defination being someone asks me to make something for them and they pick materials, pattern and so on...certainly not without charging extra...and usually nothing comes of the project...seems like a good idea at the time they are talking about it, but then nothing...so when people ask me, which is seldom, I'm polite, but I try to feel them out for what it is that they really want and how serious are they. If they are anal, it's a no go...

 

I just had someone admire a shirt I added crochet to and she seemed serious enough to take my phone number and assured me she'd get in touch with me...nothing for two weeks...I'm writing her off.

 

However, I have a good friend that has requested I crochet something for her and I know that whatever I make for her will be appreciated. We've been friends for years and she's always enjoyed the holiday gifts I've made and sent her.

 

I make so many things on my own that I give as gifts and so far they are all appreciated and cared for these past couple of years.

 

You have to be true to yourself...if the item you make is not being cared for and the same person is asking if you will make another, there are a variety of ways to be true to yourself about this...but I have to say, I love the suggestion of offering to teach her how to crochet...my grandmother's response to me when I asked if she would make a dog coat for a friend was to divert my attention to where I could buy a dog coat...short hand for "no..." I took the hint. I wasn't happy, but I understood.

 

I know this post is long, but one more thing...we have to respect our gifts and talents and be careful about being too easy with our gifts and talents, because there will be those that don't place the same value on what we do as we do. They won't always see that afghan or sweater as several hours of work with love in every stitch the way we do...they see it, sometimes, as just something to have and do with as they wish. I believe in being generous yes, but as I get older I have to be careful to make sure I'm being sincerely generous and okay with what I'm doing and not just doing something for someone else and they have no regard for me as a person, let alone for the item that I just made for them. Some people will say, "but it's how I want it, I'm paying for it, and once I get it then I can do with it whatever I want..." but I take the more european approach...this is what I have to offer, if it doesn't suit you, there are scores of others that might suit your needs...

 

With some people (and I've seen several in the yarn shop next door) it's like they want to be creative without doing the work, and I have no patience with that. They want to pick color, yarn, stitch pattern, hook or needle size, tension, but they want someone else to execute the item...it's like they are trying to program a knitting or crocheting or sewing machine, but that "machine" is a human...and I find it degrading, especially when in the end, they don't like what was made. And then they blame you!

[eurolyons]

Obviously a lot of people are jerks, but I also tend to agree with Squarah that an afghan is a highly problamatic present. Because they take a long time and a lot of yarn to make, the maker obviously wants them to be loved and cherished for a long time. But they're also an item of home decor, and as soon as the recipient changes their decorating scheme, which they're likely to want to do periodically, then there's a good chance they're going to stop using the afghan.

 

My mother has had multiple afghans that made the transition from throw to cat bed to in-the-closet (as the next afghan became the cat bed) and she definately appreciated the work that went into them because she crocheted them herself. It's just the nature of the afghan beast.

 

So for the only person not-my-Mom who asked me to make something for her was my dissertation advisor, who immediately said, "Make me one!" when she saw my plastic bag bag. I was taken by surprise and stammered something about not having time, but that was mostly surprise. They really don't take long and this is my dissertation advisor, after all. I'm making one for her now. I'll surprise her with it when I see her at a conference this fall. :-)

 

Bethany brings up a good point...I'm always making afghans...I just gave away two afghans that I made like a decade ago. It's one thing if the afghan I made my mom for Christmas is dismissed for the strike of midnight the same night and given away...that's just downright mean and hurtful...but if she had kept it and 10 years later it's being used a cat bed...fine...I have no problem with that...it wasn't made to be an heirloom (not that particular afghan anyway...)

 

I would rather take note that someone notices and admires my work and if they are really interested, making them something to give as a present down the road...they are more delighted and surprised that I would think of them...it's a win win...

[eurolyons]

It sounds like the #1 underappreciated item is an afghan. That doesn't surprise me at all. They're pretty, but unless you live somehwere very cold, they really just take up space. It's a very impractical gift that's just asking to become clutter in a corner.

 

So I would stay away from making people afghans unless you know for a fact that they want and need one. Otherwise, make them something smaller and more practical like slippers, a sweater, or a bag. It's cheaper and less of a time commitment anyway! I love handmade things, but what the devil does anyone do with an afghan anyway but fold it up and store it in the closet? If you can't handle it ending up in a closet or a corner, for heaven's sake don't make an afghan.

 

In a closet I could understand...heaped in a corner is another things entirely. I see you're from Texas and while I understand it's hot there, I lived in Central California for years and while afghans seem impractical in the summertime, in the winter they are invaluable...I wasn't the only "weird" one to have several afghans while living in California...my sister still lives there and her attitude is, "You can never have too many afghans or blankets..."

 

This is the first time ever in my entire 47 years of walking this earth I've ever heard anyone view an afghan as impractical. I've made several as baby and bridal presents. But people are different. What's impractical to one isn't to someone else.

[scc51055]

I can relate to all of the posts. Most people dont care/realize that each item we make is really an extension of us! We just dont pull yarn thru a loop. We are part of each project and alittle piece of us goes into it! at least this is my feeling on it.

 

I recently made a prayer shawl for my MIL. I was worried about what her thoughts would be about recieving it. I decided that the intention were good, the shawl was beautiful in my eyes and the prayers attached to it might just help her. When she got it she told my husband in a phone conversation that she really liked it, but never asked to speak to me so she could thank me. Oh well, it was what i thought would happen!

[NexStitch]

I get asked that when people see the stuff in my office. I once had to usher out guests from a party we were having because I was getting offers to make my Surfer's Citrus Bikini for two of my friends. Imagine me there with two women vying for a handmade bikini. I said, "Boy, I wish I had time to just mindlessly crochet, but I have several patterns waiting in the wings."

 

Mary Jo, I like your first comment there. It IS a job!