I feel like I'm being petty

[theworm]

Dear Ms. Crochetville,

 

 

We have a few new babies in the family and I've done a lot of crocheting for them. I LOVE it. I've tried to make things special for the little ones. Whenever I send something I get a note or e-mail saying thanks.

 

One of the mommy's really comments on the items and says she can't wait till the baby can fit in them. She went out of her way to take pics of the baby wearing a hat I made and telling me how many compliments she gets and how she uses it all the time.

 

The other mommy sent me an e-mail saying "Thank you so much - you must be the most crafty person I know". Just about every week she sends an e-mail full of photos of the baby. They're beautiful! She really has an exceptionally beautiful baby. In all those photos (hundreds) she has never included one of the baby wearing something that I made or using a blanket or stuffed toy. I sent about 4 sweaters, several hats, booties, bibs, blankets, a bear and stuff for the nursury. Beyond that first thank you e-mail, I've never heard her comment or use anything.

 

I feel petty because it sort of bothers me. I really want to make things for the other baby - I know that her mom appreciates them. I sort of feel like I should just go buy something for this baby - why am I investing my time and love into projects that don't get used? But then I think that I'm doing it for the baby - not the mom. But then, if the mom doesn't use them the baby doesn't use them.

 

So I'm beating myself up because on one hand I feel like I'm being petty, but on the other hand I feel like I shouldn't bother if they're not going to use them.

 

I guess I've put myself into a lose lose situation.

 

Signed,

Frustrated Hooker

[Phoenix]

Dear frustrated hooker:

 

You are not being petty- the greatest rule of crochet is that people who don't appreciate it don't deserve it. If the mom doesn't use it, the baby isn't going to benefit either. I'm sure a lovely store-bought item will be just as appreciated.

 

That said, it is possible that they do use this items, but don't take special photos- I've known folks who take hundreds of different baby photos, but send the same dozen or so "perfect" looking ones out to everyone.

 

However, maybe handmade isn't the mom's style. If she doesn't gush, it probably isn't her thing, and she might consider homemade a lovely novelty for a newborn but not an everyday useful item. Feel free to buy her something and save your crocheting efforts for where they are appreciated the most.

 

If you feel the need for approval, you have mine fully.

 

Supportively yours,

 

Phoenix

[sjkmaurice]

I find that some people don't want to "ruin" pretty items so they get tried on and promptly tucked away to be saved. Try writing a cute little note in there about how you understand babies and their messes and mention the fact that you made the item to be worn so if anything happens, it's not a problem if they need to return it so you can fix it. Include washing instructions and make sure the yarn you use is baby friendly. Maybe that will ease their mind.

[needlesandpinza]

not really because my very best friend in the world, whom I also work with...

I made her dd a sweater...she put it on her for baptism.

I get a bizziol pics a day from her and her kids. but she has not sent me pics of baby b in the outfit... or baptism for that matter. kinda makes me sad BUT... I know her well enough to know she put it to the best possible use and now she has it in pics of a very precious time in baby b's life.

so I try to chill about that.

but I do know what you mean.

and the reverse is true... i think it was last xmas I made my sister a felted purse...she just loves it and still uses it to this day, and everytime I see her she says she keeps getting compliments on it. I appreciate I DO but its getting awfully sickening. KWIM

I will go to my archives and get the 2 pics

 

http://needlesetpinza.blogspot.com/2005/11/huge-felted-bag.html

http://needlesetpinza.blogspot.com/2006/03/lullaby-league.html

http://needlesetpinza.blogspot.com/2006/03/2-pics.html

[theworm]

Thanks Phoenix!

 

And than you SJK! That's a good point. I did tell mommy #2 that everything can be washed on gentle. I didn't tell mommy #1 that they are washable which could make them more useable.

[Ladykats]

Geez do I know how you feel. I have my brother's two kids who had babies due within moths apart of each other. Ally's knew the sex of her son, but Marie wanted to be surprised. I crocheted outfits for both. Ally's Husband is in the Army so I made a white outfit with red and blue star buttons and a american flag on the shoulder with a hat, booties and a blanket to match, and crocheted a ducky to go with the outfit. Ally had the baby's first photos to send to everyone wearing my outfit. I felt honored. With Marie, we didn't know the sex, so I crocheted a two piece lite green outfit- a jumper with bears tumbling on the bib and a sweater with bears as buttons, a hat, booties and a blanket, and then I crocheted a stuffed bear that took forever to stitch in the fur yarn. I got a thanks and that was it. Now her baby is very small, so it was hard for me to believe when she told me the outfit was too small to fit him, moreso when Ally's son Nick ( 10lbs) was like double the birth weight of Jack ( just under 6 Lbs).

 

Tracey

[christinascrochethaven]

Dear Frustrated Hooker,

 

First of all, I agree wholeheartedly with Phoenix. I support everything she said. Some people do not like homemade things and will not put their children in them for many reasons. Some people bear scars from having to wear homemade things as a child. Some people may feel their child deserves "better" in their eyes. If the child is especially pretty, they may feel extra sensitive about what their child wears.

 

My advice is not to take it personal as it might be just that person. Feel free to make the other child lots of things and don't feel guilty. Maybe the other child needs the clothes more. Relax and don't fret.

 

Only make things for people who want and use them. Homemade is not for everyone and that's okay.

 

Sincerely,

Christina

[theworm]

Dear Everyone,

 

Thank you!

Yes - for some people home-made is icky. I do think I did a nice job, so I won't take that personally. And she is an exceptionally beautiful and good natured baby!

 

I feel like if I make for the one, I must also make for the other. I guess I don't have to feel that way. The two mommy's are on different sides of the family and don't know each other so there is no comparison being done.

 

I feel better!

[Phoenix]

Dear Everyone,

 

I feel like if I make for the one, I must also make for the other. I guess I don't have to feel that way. The two mommy's are on different sides of the family and don't know each other so there is no comparison being done.

 

I feel better!

 

Dear theworm:

 

Hooray! Glad we could help

 

Phoenix

[christinascrochethaven]

Dear Everyone,

 

Thank you!

Yes - for some people home-made is icky. I do think I did a nice job, so I won't take that personally. And she is an exceptionally beautiful and good natured baby!

 

I feel like if I make for the one, I must also make for the other. I guess I don't have to feel that way. The two mommy's are on different sides of the family and don't know each other so there is no comparison being done.

 

I feel better!

 

Yippee....I'm glad you feel better.

 

Nope, you don't have to make for both of the mommies. And in my opinion, the one mommy is missing out because I bet your "baby things" are gorgeous. I would have loved to have those kind of things for my children. No one would make them for my kids.

[theworm]

I do think that handmade things are cyclical. Right now they are generally treasured - but that stereotype of the Great Aunt that always sends an ugly crocheted or knit thing came from someplace. Great Auntie's work was probably stunning, but there are times when handmade is cherished, and times when if its not from a store with the right label it's not good.

[monael]

Maybe I am missing something, but why isn't Thank You enough?

 

I would be upset if I knew that a person wasn't happy with my thank you and expected something more beyond that.

 

I don't know the people involved, but maybe the person just didn't think to take a special picture of their child with what you made. I don't see how that indicates that they don't appreciate or use the gift.

 

I don't think you are being petty at all. But maybe you are wrong about the other person?

[theworm]

Maybe I am missing something, but why isn't Thank You enough?

 

I would be upset if I knew that a person wasn't happy with my thank you and expected something more beyond that.

 

I don't know the people involved, but maybe the person just didn't think to take a special picture of their child with what you made. I don't see how that indicates that they don't appreciate or use the gift.

 

I don't think you are being petty at all. But maybe you are wrong about the other person?

 

 

That's why I wonder if I'm being petty. Why isn't Thank you enough?

[Tampa Doll]

Consider yourself lucky that you even get a thank-you. Alls I ever get, when I get one, is an e-mail that says "GOT PACKAGE".

That's it. No pictures no thank you that is nice. To big, to small, to ugly, don't like. Heck at this point I'll even take a don't make anything else.

So you are not alone and I have come to the point where, nothing crocheted will ever go North again.

Take heart you are not alone.

[dsabol]

Wormie, I meant to tell you when you replied to my post where I was venting that I love the worm in your avatar.

 

I don't think you're being petty. I can understand the feelings your describing. I think the reason it's tough for "thank you not being enough" is because on one side you get one reaction and on the other side you get less of a reaction.

 

If it were me, I would try not to feel like person #2 appreciated the items less. Maybe they DO use them, but they've just never thought about taking a picture of their baby in them?

 

Are you close enough to the person (like your very best friend) that you could talk to them about it? I usually shy away from confrontation, myself, so I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it unless I knew the person REALLY liked me and knew me well enough not to be offended.

 

Good luck. It looks like you got alot of good advice. I hope it helps.

[Phoenix]

To those who wonder why thank you isn't enough-

 

I think that the issue is that thank you is enough - for *this* gift. But since crochet is such a time investment, you don't really want to spend hourr and hours making more stuff for someone unless they really, really like it- and usually if they do, you'll see proof of it.

 

At least that's my feeling on it- if they say "thanks" for the first gift, cool. But if they gush about it...I'm more likely to make more stuff. Just sayin'

[cgd]

It doesn't seem fair when we put all that time and work into something that the recipient doesn't always appreciate it. Some folks just don't realize the effort and HOURS that go into this stuff. I agree with the others--just put that time in when the recipient will cherish it. It's OK if you don't do the same thing for everyone because everybody's different, and some may not like it or get it. And that's OK. Just leaves you more time to crochet something for . . . yourself!!

[Sahahne]

I don't think you're being petty at all. I've actually made gifts this year for Christmas for my nieces (little individual handbags), but I decided not to make them for my cousins (who are the same ages).

It's simply because I know the nieces love what I make and they cherish it, and it will be used. But the cousins tend to be more spoilt and see homemade things as second rate.

So I've gotten to the point that I won't waste my time and effort if someone won't truly appreciate it (i.e. letting you know more than a courtesy thank you). I'm not making things just to get stashed away in a cupboard and forgotten. They're made to be used, so I do get a bit upset if they're not.

 

So I tend to agree with what everyone else has posted, make the items for the mum and bub who truly appreciate them, and buy something for the other mum and bub.

 

Good luck with it!

[eurolyons]

I have a sister that while she appreciates my talents, she just is not into anything handmade by anyone...it's kind of like if she knows the person who made the thing, then the thing loses it's magic for her...she equates anything handmade as "homemade" in the negative...she'll admire what I do, is glad I do it, but she will say that it's just not for her...so, I cut her slack and try not to make anything for her...and I want to...but at best she's polite...I've made a graduation outfit for a Beanie Bear for her son...she said it was cute, but I could tell from the tone of her voice that she's just trying to cut me slack...I've filet crocheted a humming bird for her...I'm sure it will never see the light of day...and I've done window art for her son...again, the tone of voice said it all...whatcha gonna do...I just know that I can't stress about it and I can't continue to try to win her over to my dark side...

 

My other sister, however, she likes what I do...thinks it's great that I do it...has more appreciation for my talents now then she did 10 years ago...realises that what I do is so ingrained in me that she'd miss it and think something was wrong if I didn't crochet, knit, sew, cook, and whatall...I'll take what I can get...

 

The only thing I have a hard time with with anyone is if I make something they've requested and in the end they give it away...my mom did that once...and I don't think I'll ever forgive her for that, although I keep trying...meanwhile, now she's totally like my #1 fan and begging me to have a business...

 

So, if faced with such a situation with someone now, I'm blunt, I'll come out and ask if they like it, if they've used it and if they haven't, why not? And I expect an honest answer...most of the time the answer is that they think whatever it is is too nice to use...and then they get a lecture from me and I'm not nice about it...but it's not about me wasting my time making them something, it's me taking the time to find, buy or make something special for them and I expect them to use it...not what for that impossibly perfect situation that never comes up because they are so afraid they will mess up whatever the item is...table cloth bought from Germany, a set of glasses, a purse, whatever...and I can tell from tone of voice alone whether they are really afraid to use whatever for fear of wrecking it, or if they just simply didn't like what I gave them...if they don't like it, it's fine...I misjudged the situation...but if they are afraid to use the item, then the lecture...'cause life is too short...

 

Don't feel obligated to make for both if one isn't into it...

[Shellybrook]

Worm,

 

I'm sorry, but I would appreciate the "thank you" and probably not think about it beyond that...I don't think that your feelings are petty by any means, because our feelings are unique to our being. I personally have received many gifts over time that I've given the appropriate thank you's and loved to death, but I'm so bad at commitment, as much as I'd love to send pictures etc...I'm so bad at follow through. I try my best to show my appreciation for the love that goes into gifts that I've received.

 

Its possible that the mom in question loved the item that you made, but is so overwhelmed being a mom...that she just didn't show it enough to warm your heart to a comfortable temperature.

 

I want to clarify that I don't think you're being petty. We probably all should show our gratitude more often. I've found that those at the 'ville are better at it than any other people I know.

 

xoxoxo:hug

[monael]

If you know a person doesn't appreciate a handmade gift, then it wouldn't even make sense to make something for that person. But from what the OP said, she ddin't see any evidence of the person not liking the gift, just that she didn't get a picture. Now, as I already told her, I don't think she was being petty, but maybe was reading too much into the photos. Just thought she might not have thought of it that way.

 

I agree, if I know someone wants something that I make, I will make it gladly. And if I know that they don't, no hard feelings, really. Different strokes and all that. I won't waste my time and they won't have to grin and bear it.

 

However, even though I spent time and effort into making something - I don't expect more than a Thank You from the recipient. I know I don't want to receive a gift that I had to work at convincing them I wanted/used/liked. And I also think that buying a person a gift is valuable as well. I worked for that money, and took time out of my day to shop for it, and wrap it, so I did spend time and effort on that gift as well.

[needlesandpinza]

That's why I wonder if I'm being petty. Why isn't Thank you enough?

actually that depends on the person. I know people like my mom, dad, sister, kids etc aappreciate it and I KNOW the thank you means thank you.

BUT then you have my mother in law... she rather have prada handed to her on a silver platter. there is NO making that woman happy. Yes she does polietly say thank you but I KNOW it does not mean a darn thing.

 

So it really depends on the person

[JaneMarcy]

I think that when we make a gift for someone specific, we do so with that particular person or baby in mind, and we put not only a lot of work into it, but also a lot of heart. That's why I think we expect more of a "Thank You" for a handmade gift than we do for a store-bought gift. I don't think that's petty at all. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, especially when we go out of our way to do something special.

 

If you don't feel your effort is really appreciated, then send a store-bought gift and let it go. Don't beat yourself up or lose sleep over it, I'm sure your friend isn't.

[Mom w/a Motif]

I think they probably do appreciate it. My sister-in-law I can hardly get a 'I got the package', let alone a thank you from her. One time I knitted a vest for her oldest daughter. When I asked her once how they liked it... I shouldn't have asked.... 'It is kind of loose around the collar. I'm afraid if she wears it it will stretch out..' I think she even said something like 'she's only wore it a couple times'...... Now that to me, is a 'don't make anything else for them!' slapping me in the face.

 

I would take the fact that she emails you and sends you pictures as a really big thank you. I guess it might make me wonder when the baby isn't in it... but. It does sound to me like they all appreciate them. Maybe she'll get the babies portraits done in them, and send you that.

 

Tina

[CaliAdria]

I made an absolutely beautiful openwork baby blanket for a friend's dd this summer, and while he thanked me profusely online (we're chatting buddies), I never received any sort of acknowledgement from his wife, and while he's sent me thousands of pics of the baby, I have never seen a picture of her with the blanket. I hate to ASK him, but then again, I neglected to take a picture of the blanket myself before I sent it to them, so I would really like to have a picture...

 

On the other hand, I got an email this morning from a cousin; I'd made a hat for her baby and she LOVED it. Her email gushed about how cute it was, how many compliments she got from strangers at the mall, that I should go into business, etc, and she enclosed three pictures of Ainsleigh in the hat! So I guess it really depends on the recipient.