My Mother vs. MIL - whine/rant

[MamaHooks]

My mother and I don't exactly get along. We are pleasant to one another however we are not super close. I live a short distance from my parents who are in their 70s and my dad needs help with my mother & the house. Anyway, I go there everyday in the morning and fix simple meals for the day, help clean a little and etc. Well, my mother is not super frail, she is absent minded (small stroke), argumentative, has minor disabilities and she is diabetic. My dad is a little old man who can't take care of everything by himself.

 

So a few months ago I was going to make sweaters for my parent's doggies. Well my mother was lets say less than impressed with the idea. Anyway, so now we fast forward to about 2 weeks ago when I made a few baby items and sold them. With some of the money I went and bought me more yarn . I did this on a trip that I took her to the store with me (it gives my dad a little time to relax). Anyway, she of course asks me how I could spend so much money ($20.00) on yarn. I told her I had sold a few items. Well, her eyes lit up and now she wants to learn to crochet . It would be ok, except she always starts competitions with me. I don't compete but she does. She get jealous, mean, rude and absolutely wicked for weeks, sometimes even months at a time. She is rarely as good as I am at whatever she is having the competition with me about... except writing. She is better at writing poems, stories and so forth. She get more difficult to deal with the more she loses. Her goal is to make lots of money by crocheting. My goal is to stay sane long enough to get back home and crochet because I love it!

 

She doesn't want me around except to gloat or to be rude to me. But I can't afford to hire anyone to help with them and my dad can't do it by himself. No wonder I am on anti-depressant medication... .

 

 

Then there is my MIL. I love her, she loves me (no this is not Barney). Anyway, she thinks that my crochet is amazing, she requests items (like coasters, hotpads and afghans). She understands the time and the work it takes to make these items. She is great! Yesterday she made me smile big, she asked me to make her a small simple purse. So I am currently looking for just the right pattern. She is amazed that I make so many different things. She compliments me on everything that I make. She makes me feel special.

 

Why is it that one rips me down and the other praises me? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't it be a little more equal?

[thebratfink]

Because people are different.

 

You also have to take under consideration that your mother has had a stroke. In some people this causes a personality shift [and, sorry to say] not usually for the better.

 

Then there's my favorite: Familiarity Breeds Contempt.

 

It's easier to be nasty to your family because they are stuck with you anyway.

 

Thank your lucky stars for your MIL because she is the one you should be taking your cues from.

 

:hug

 

 

 

 

[Adriann]

Ugh, sorry, sounds like you have your hands full. I have some family issues, too, and what has helped the most is to really, truly accept how they are. If your mom is snippy and mean, that is the way she is and getting upset at her every time she is snippy or mean only does you harm. Do you know what I mean? It's as if you had a cat and kept reacting to the fact that they make stinky messes in the litterbox. If you've got a cat, you won't keep reacting, because you know that's what cats do.

 

I think part of the reason we continue to have expectations (or are hurt by the person's standard repetoire of behaviors) of those we care about is because we care about them, we love them. We want the relationship to be smooth, to be loving. Unfortunately--and it is a painful process--in the end we must accept how they are going to handle their end of the relationship. It took me a loooong time to do this, but my life is the better for it. You are doing the best you can by your parents and your own behavior is the only thing you can control.

 

As for the learn-to-crochet thing specifically, I would NOT try to teach her yourself. You have to wiggle your way out of that one at all costs. If she wants to learn, she can go ahead and do so with books or online videos. You can even see if there is a crochet group or basic crochet classes that she could go to, it would give your dad a little more time to relax.

 

I would also experiment with the technique of non-reacting. It may very well be that your mom behaves this way in order to solicit certain behaviors from you. Failing to show those behaviors takes away the reward, whatever it is. Keep in mind that if you do this her behavior might temporarily escalate as she tries to provoke the reaction she's accustomed to, but when it consistently fails to work, she'll give it up. Does that make sense?

 

A great (and simple) book on how to modify other people's behaviors through your own is Don't Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryor. I always recommend it to everyone, it gives a clear view of the structure of animal (including human) behavior.

 

Hang in there, and vent as much as you want ! We're here for you.

[cat3crazy]

It's too bad that you have to spend so much time around your mother. My mother and I didn't have the best relationship but we now at least treat each other with respect. Living several hundred miles apart doesn't hurt either. I don't have any advice except 'DO NOT TEACH HER TO CROCHET'! Tell her that you're not good enought or whatever you need to say to get her to take a class with some one else teaching. Don't submit yourself to any more abuse than you have to. Good luck.

[chrispersmom]

I truly understand what you are feeling. My mom was very snippy and mean too, and it seemed mostly to me, never my brothers. And i was the one that took care of her 24/7 in my home for nearly 5 years before she passed. I did it with a small baby in tow as well. I just always tried to let it roll off my back though. I understood that my mom's sickness changed her. she lost her vision, her ability to read, crochet , cook etc. Then she went on dialysis and got crippled from a surgery. i think that i was just the most convenient one for her to take things out on. Now that she is gone, I am so glad that i chose to turn the other cheek and did what I could to make her life better. She died young, only 63, and despite her meaness, i would love to have her back. Sickness changes people, especially strokes. Try to think of that when she is pushing your buttons...and even if she can help it , you are probably the person she feels most comfortable being hateful with. My mom became bored with nothing she was able to do anymore like before and i also think she was quite bitter about it too. Keep your chin up and bask in your mother in law's praise. Take your blessings where they come.... :hug

[LovelyLovely]

Dear Mamahooks,

I am so sorry that your Mom drives you crazy-

Especially since you do so much for your father & her...

seems like she could behave more Motherly & supportive...

but some Mom's don't - and I can't understand it....

 

I hope that this situation improves,

although I have noticed that

people are who they are & they rarely change.

You are doing so much for her...

do you have siblings that can help you more??

Having to go thru this daily isn't fair to you.

Sending you love & a great big hug!!!

 

[laurastar0962]

Thank God for my mother she is special and I am close to her and talk to her everyday. I agree with the person who said to keep in mind the stroke, it can maker people much meaner then they used to be

[Auntie Kellie]

It can be tough but I agree with the others. Find some other way to let your mom learn to crochet, especially with her competitive streak. I don't get along with my mother for long periods of time either since she's always thinking my younger sister is better then me. But that's a rant for another day.

 

As for your MIL, think of her as your anchor to sanity. She appreciates you for who you are and loves the gifts you give her. When your mom gets you frustrated, go for a visit with your in-laws to help you relax and unwind.

 

Hugs and Cookies

Auntie K

[CrochettingMama]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I agree to NOT teach your mom to crochet.

Also, I have seen people with strokes change personality, and not for the better.

hang in there!!

[LaurieE]

I think the stroke just brings out feelings that normally are suppressed. Also keep in mind that you are dealing with an elderly person. They can become bitter about things that did or did not happen in their life and that bitterness can take many forms or they can become childlike. Either way, it's hard on your patience and your feelings.

 

The competition thing is because. for whatever reason, she feels threatened by your abilities. Even though she is unbearable when she's in competition mode, take it as a compliment.

 

I agree, if she's interested in learning to crochet, find her a class to take. Check with the local Older Americans Council for classes. We have one here and they have all kinds of classes every day specifically for the elderly.

 

Here's a

[MamaHooks]

Thank you everyone. It is hard sometimes to look past the stroke although she was never very nice to me even when I was young. I am an only child so I only have my hubby to help me. He loves me but has never been able to stand my mother. I think that maybe that is one of the reasons I was drawn to him. He always saw her for who she was/is; he never was blinded by her sugar coated sweetness act. He is my rock.

 

As for teaching her, I am totally in agreement with all of you. I am not in anyway going to teach her how to crochet. I can see the danger signs lurking ahead of me. I have also decided to not find her someplace to learn or help her find books/videos etc. The reason is if she wants it bad enough then she will find out the information on her own. She is able to do that on her own both mentally and physically. It maybe a little rougher on my dad but he has agreed with me on the subject, so it is OK.

 

Thank you for all good thoughts and I will keep you posted on how it all works out.

 

[hooked2]

MamaHooks,

 

Your situation with your Mother is a painful and sad one. But you are blessed to have a loving and supportive hubby - and a mother-in-law who is truly a mother to you! :hug

[KnicKnac]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My MIL is the salt of the earth, she loves me unconditionally - my mother on the other hand ...

 

Thank the LORD above I have my sister. She is my MOTHER - she is 15 years my senior, she loves me unconditionally - and is my biggest cheerleader.

 

:hug :hug