Head, meet brick wall. Brick wall, meet head

[Tiga]

So, I live with my mother (yes, I'm one of *those* genxers), and she's always whining at me about my yarn (and my housekeeping in general, but that's another story...).

 

Anyway, last night, she is getting on my case and tells me - you haven't even finished one afghan since you started crocheting!

 

Mind you, I started crocheting just this past July. Seriously.

 

And I've done several purses, a small blankie for my daughter, a very fancy stole that I designed from scratch and a dozen small projects (headbands and such).

 

I've also been working on making squares for three afghans, hexagons for another afghan and nearly finished a shrug before I decided to frog it.

 

I had to explain to her that it can take a year to finish a large afghan (my hexagon afghan is for a queen size bed and will have 200 something motifs to join when I'm done), and at least a month for a sweater done in dc and a G hook.

 

She just doesn't understand how long it can take to finish a project - especially when I also have to keep house, cook, take care of my daughter after school, take her to therapy, go to therapy myself, go to the doctor twice a month, run the household errands and do the shopping.

 

She thinks I sit home all day with a hook in my hand!

 

Ha! I wish. She also thinks I'm on the computer all day and that I watch TV all day.

 

Oh, and that I sleep all day.

 

Apparently, I do everything all day except dishes (which, if they don't get done, is THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PROBLEM EVER and a sign that I officially DO NOT RESPECT her.)

 

I cannot wait until I can get back into college, get a degree and get a job that doesn't involve me wearing a vest or an apron.

 

....haven't finished enough projects...and yet I crochet too much...grumble grumble grumble

[Happy_Hooker]

I hear ya about the dishes...

 

My sister put my family through alot... We all had to go to family therapy...

I went to one with just my Mom and myself before it started...

I just KNEW she wasn't the right therapist for our family...

She had no concept of the cultural differences she was dealing with... (my Dad is very old school!)

 

WELL... Fast forward two weeks down the road and the first session turned into a discussion on why I don't do the dishes... UM HELLO... I am not the one who is causing the problems here... I realize the point was that in terms of "respect" and responsibility I was not pulling my own weight in the family unit by not doing the dishes... FINE... then say it that way!!! I was 21 at the time worked two jobs and was in school full time... there is no way I had time to do anything except sleep when I was home... Needless to say, I stopped going after two sessions... My presence was not going to help any... The family stopped going shortly thereafter... That woman was the main reason I changed my mind about being a Psychologist... I didn't want anyone to feel about me the way I felt about her.

[Barbara]

Sounds like your mother is tired of supporting you and your daughter.

 

Could you get a job and move out? I don't know your story, so I'm just making the most obvious suggestion.

[grrlsmom]

I don't know about your mom (and oh, heck - she's probably my age!), but some of these older moms WORKED ALL DAY. It didn't matter if they had a job outside the home or not, these ladies kept busy all day, kind of a frantic cleaning/cooking thing. I even had one (retired, by the way) tell me SHE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO READ OR SEW because of all the housework. Uh, it's just you and DH - how messy are ya?

 

Luckily, my mom wasn't like that and neither am I, but wouldn't ya know it, I have a DD like that. "Where do you find time to do stuff, Ma? I clean all the time!"

[Debbi-a1]

I'm sorry about your situation. Maybe make a quick afghan with 2 strands of yarn and a Q hook just to finish one. And maybe work on one project until you get most of it done to show her. Maybe you could put some of the hexagons together and show her that you're working on that. And maybe next time, tell her the list of items to her that youc ompleted. Or make a list and this way you have "proof" you've made a few things.

 

I do hate to contradict you, but it doesn't take a month to finish a sweater with a G hook when You're as fast as me... I did one in simple soft and G hook and finished it in about a week. Yes I crochet fast. I can do a scarf with a K hook and thick yarn in 1 1/2 hours. I used Boucle yarn. Very nice and soft (I watched The Devil Wears Prada while I made it for my cousin for Christmas and finished before the movie was over). But some people do crochet slower and I understand.

 

So anyway those are some suggestions and ideas...

Take care and know it will get better!

Debbi

[knit1crochet2]

These complaints have nothing to do with crocheting, either too little or too much. Something else is going on that she needs to just bring out in the open and get over it. I'm one of those "in your face" kind of gals, so I would just have to ask her! Hey Ma! Just exactly what is bothering you and don't say dishes or crocheting!

I'm guessing you could do an afghan a day and keep the house sparkling, and she would still find something to gripe about. Maybe she's not exactly thrilled with her own life and jealous of you having a hobby. Who knows. Good luck!

[Tiga]

Barbara - my mom doesn't support us, we just live with her. We have our own income and pay our part of the bills. Plus, I buy all the groceries and do all the cooking, so I'm not sponging off of her or anything. I'm not able to work full time right now, and the cost of living in our area is so high, part time won't pay for anything. Most of the apartment complexes went to condo conversions a few years ago. Of course, they are all half to 3/4s empty, but no one will rent out the units again yet.

 

The work I can get would just about cover the cost of daycare, so it's sort of pointless to get a job just to have one. I've got some stuff to deal with, medically, before I can work full time again, but hopefully I can get that sorted out by the fall. My daughter will be eligible for the after school program at her school then, and that's much more affordable than private day care.

 

As for my mom, she raised me to believe that a man who thought that just because he "brought home the bacon" meant he didn't have to help around the house wasn't a team member. And that "women's work" WAS a real job, and should be respected as such. But now, she's the one telling me that she shouldn't "have" to clean house because she brings in more money, and I'm home all day and what could I possibly be doing with all that time if not cleaning the house from top to bottom every day? Besides, it's not "her" mess. Her theory is that if she didn't make the mess, she shouldn't "have" to clean it up. I swear, my mother has turned into a misogynistic, self-centered 12 year old spoiled brat. Sigh. Darn shame I love her and therefore have to put up with her and try to do what she wants.

 

Of course, her idea of housework is to shove everything into a closet, close the door, do the dishes and call it clean.

 

I'm more of a "let the pile of papers sit until I have time to sort through them and actually put them away properly" sort of person. I vacuum twice a week, clean the bathrooms once a week (but wipe down the counters every day), mop the kitchen as needed, etc.

 

I do have a wee problem with sorting the laundry on my bedroom floor and leaving it there since I don't have any laundry baskets to sort it into. But I've been promised some laundry baskets out of the income tax money...

 

But yeah, Mom had major depression when I was a kid, and she did sleep all day, until just before I'd get home from school. She then whip through the house, making it look good, even if everything was a disorganized mess behind the scenes.

 

So, one, she was asleep, and therefore unable to make a mess and two, any mess that we'd made the night before was limited to our rooms, b/c we weren't allowed to have toys in the living room.

 

The house we live in now is very different - my daughter's play area is what is the dining area (darn open floor plans - I long for a hallway, my kingdom for a hallway! And walls...sweet, sweet walls...), which is also pretty much the living room and the home office, which is in the same room as the kitchen. Just one big, happy, living area. NOT!

 

And Mom wants company clean all the time. I just can't do that. But apparently, I'm not supposed to crochet, or get on the computer, or eat, until the house is spotless.

 

But, I'm supposed to use up all the yarn I have "laying around" (neatly stored in baskets and a 'ladder' with canvas bins) somehow. And keep my 4 year old from playing with her toys (which she has too many of - also a common complaint; I've mostly bought her stuff she's used in therapy!) or somehow make her understand to put stuff back right way (she has a language processing disorder, and it's really hard for her to 'get' that sort of thing).

 

This is my mother, builder of brick walls since 1952.

[thegothicl]

I think some are being a little hard on you! I live with my father, he is a heart patient, and I look after him.

I know where you are coming from. As hard as it is, sometimes I just have to shut my big mouth and walk away!!!!!LOL

[Tiga]

Debbi - yeah, I do crochet a little slow. I have chronic shoulder pain, so I have to take frequent breaks. I also have to put down the 'big' projects every few days to do a quick project just so I don't get overwhelmed and feel like I'll never make progress.

 

I don't have any need to be a fast crocheter, though. And I'm sure as I gain experience, I'll just naturally get faster at somethings. I'm already much faster at granny squares. And I can fly through hexagons, lol!

 

But I budgeted myself a month for the sweater, b/c it's my first pullover, and I knew I was going to have to frog and pay close attention to it, and while I may not actually work on it solid for a month, it'll take a month for me to get enough free time to devote to it the attention it needs, y'know?

 

And on that note, the 20 minutes I just snuck out of my schedule are up, and I must go throw the fish sticks in the oven (yeah fish sticks!!!).

 

Sigh. Maybe I'll make Mom a dishcloth tonight.

[Debbi-a1]

Now I understand why you're hitting against a brick wall. I am sorry. I don't know what to say. I'm guessing just do the best you can, what you can, and don't try to let her complaints get to you. Sounds like she wouldn't be happy no matter what you did, even if it was everything to please you. So do the best you can and please yourself.

I understand about the sweater. Guess I should have clarified, It took me several to frog and several vests before I could do a sweater in a week.

Take care.

Debbi

[zazzu]

Tiga - sorry you have to deal with this. One of the 65 trillion reasons I could never live with my mother is the never-ending nagging and picking I would be forced to endure. The woman is impossible to please. She's miserable and likes to spread the misery around. You get the idea...

 

For you, it seems that the silver lining here is that your mother is driving you to get out on your own as soon as possible. Right now, you and your daughter have a safe place to stay while you get your ducks lined up. That's all you need. It's not going to feel like "home" till it's your own place, run by you and not your mother.

 

So, stay strong and do what you need to do to get yourself out of there. Try and visualize how much happier and freer you'll feel when you do.

[Barbara]

Maybe your mother is going through some hormonal changes...those can make monsters out of saints....lol.

[kkms]

i too have heard it all before only form grandma not from mom (only because i don't have her anymore), but gram is old school clean freak and quite frankly i could care less. my hose is not a pig sty however a little disorganised but the 2 kids 7 and 18 months, 1 dog, four cats and 2 birds don't help, i have days i feel like i am walking in a field of fur. toddler toys that i am always tripping over because not matter how many time i pick them up they are right back where they were and yes according to gram there are to many toys, and a dear husband that come home from work and used my counter for his clutter. ugggggggg then the other counter that i clear of dishes only to turn around and find more dishes!!!!!!!!!!!! but gram does not know why i can't keep it clean. some times i just can't be bother because i know the outcome of all my hard work cleaning.. so yes i sit and crochet and forget it all. yes there are houses that are cleaner than mine but there is also alot worse...i do my best thats all anyone can ask of me and you too.....

[chichiwawa]

Tiga- I feel your pain. Until last summer we lived in the apartment above my mothers. Our own, mind you, where we paid our own bills and had our own address. She totally drove me nuts with her constant nagging. She has OCD when it comes to cleaning, so nothing I do is good enough. Finally we are able to afford the rent on a small house and she still tells me what I am doing wrong! Daughters of crazed mothers, unite!!

[Tiga]

Well, I'm glad to know it's not only my mother that's crazy when it comes to nagging, lol!

 

Makes me feel a bit better.

 

I love her to pieces, and I can't thank her enough for all the help and support she's given me the past few difficult years, but some days, man, she makes me just want to pound sand.

[comfort80]

tiga- its not just mothers that are like that.

my father is the exact same way. i worked 80 hrs a week(two jobs), had a 1yr old to chase around, yet could never do good enough on my "chores", and heaven forbid i take a nap between shifts... plus he would lay traps, like bits of paper under the couch to make sure i vacuumed under there...

[L-A]

Comfort80: The fact that your dad laid traps for you is just WAY too funny!

[Debbi-a1]

My aunt is a clean freak too. Her sister HAS to wash her car before going to her house. My aunt even had a chandelier with tons of little long pieces, she would spray it down with cleanser, take each piece out, clean it (yes again), let it dry, put it back together. Twice a year! At thanksgiving I joked it needed to be cleaned, she didn't get it and said it did, she hadn't cleaned it a second time that year. Luckily she doesn't say much to me about my state of uncleanliness.

[Aggie May]

Tiga,

Your mothers attitude has nothing to do with Crocheting, housework or any other houshold chore.

It is all to do with Mutual Respect.

 

Remember that she is your MOTHER and deserves your respect no matter what else happens.

One day your mother will not be there and it will be too late to tell her you are sorry you did not understand her.

Your child will have the same problems when you find yourself in the same situation as your mother is now.

It is just how life goes.

Mothers need the chance to be Mothers and always right, even when their daughters are mothers too.

Respect your Mother and she will respect you.

Ask her advice about something every day, even if it is something trivial, and listen to what she tells you, even if she isn't right.

Teach her to crochet and ask her to help you finish off some of your projects, even if on the side you have to unravel it a re-do it. Make sure she doesnt see you do this though. (Sort of like you might do for a small child)

Sounds to me like your mother needs something to occupy her day.

Help her find a Charity she feels strongly about and help her to work with these people so she feels fulfilled.

We only get one Real Mother in this life and I am very happy to say that at almost 65, I still have mine.

My mother is almost 91yrs old and totally dependent on others to do everything for her.

It is not very nice to watch your mother having to be hoisted out of bed or given a Bed-bath etc, but I spend most of every day, with her at the Resthome, where I am sure some people think I am a resident, because she is my mother and the only one I have ever had or will ever have.

When she is gone, I will finally have a life of my own but right now, she is my life and I am so grateful to still have her.

Respect your Mother, please, she will be a long time gone.

Believe me, I do see things from your angle too but please treat your Mother like a Queen.

Have fun.

Colleen.

[knit1crochet2]

Respect goes both ways when children become adults. And the adults need to remember what it was like when they were just getting started and trying to find their way. I have adult children and believe me, there is much tongue biting going on, both our and theirs. They don't agree with what we do and vice versa, but we respect each other's right to make choices. Live and let live.

[comfort80]

Comfort80: The fact that your dad laid traps for you is just WAY too funny!

it is now, but back then it wasn't!!

and when my mom was alive, my dad was the biggest slob around!!

[comfort80]

while Aggie-May has a point about respecting and cherishing your mother while she's still here-

Respect goes both ways when children become adults. And the adults need to remember what it was like when they were just getting started and trying to find their way. I have adult children and believe me, there is much tongue biting going on, both our and theirs. They don't agree with what we do and vice versa, but we respect each other's right to make choices. Live and let live.

 

Coming from someone who lost her mother @ 16yrs old- as you get older, parents HAVE to let you grow up. My father to this day, will not let me grow up, and i'm 32, married, and have two kids.

 

What will suffer for you, Tiga, is your relationship with your daughter. If she constantly sees Grandma treating Mommy like a child, she will have no respect for you. TRUST ME. I KNOW. I lived w/ my dad and his wife from the time my daughter was 6months old, until she was 4 and was not allowed to discipline her (every time i disciplined her, they would take it back, or tell me i was abusive - the most i ever did was yell, or redirect her), and was myself, disciplined regularily in front of her. she is now 13 yrs old, and is in dire need of a spanking most days. she is mouthy, and very disrespectful. i worry about the next few years.

[Debbi-a1]

she is now 13 yrs old, and is in dire need of a spanking most days. she is mouthy, and very disrespectful. i worry about the next few years.

 

Sounds like a typical (well somewhat typical) 13 year old. I was the same way. I finally "grew up" around 16. Which was good because my mom only lived about 5 more years. Of course I cherish those moments, but I think she also let me grow up and bit her tounge when needed. I had to learn to do that also. And I think there needs to be respect both ways, too.

Debbi

[waponswa]

These complaints have nothing to do with crocheting, either too little or too much. Something else is going on that she needs to just bring out in the open and get over it. I'm one of those "in your face" kind of gals, so I would just have to ask her! Hey Ma! Just exactly what is bothering you and don't say dishes or crocheting!

I'm guessing you could do an afghan a day and keep the house sparkling, and she would still find something to gripe about. Maybe she's not exactly thrilled with her own life and jealous of you having a hobby. Who knows. Good luck!

I think that this just about sums it up. My mother can be the same way. Out of her four kids, I'm the one who gave her and Dad the least problems growing up, honor roll, went to college without question, immediately started working in my field, never a drug user or party girl, etc. She alawys finds something deficient in me.

 

When it came to my crafts (for I have many) she said," why are you learning to crochet? You already do other stuff. If you try to do too many things, then you'll never be good at any of them." My thought on that was "Who cares?!" I crochet and craft because I enjoy doing it, not because it turns out an end product (although FO's are so nice).

 

My mom had depression problems too. All in all, I think she has to think that she knows more than her kids in order to respect herself, but it's a real pain. Sometimes she can say the most awful things.

[Debbi-a1]

I hope no one was offended by my above post. I'm keeping it though because it's how I feel. I'm not a clean clean person. I can live with a little mess for a little while (have to clean eventually). I'm fine if people want things spotless and organized. And I hope they're okay with me not having that in my life.

Debbi