Comfortghan issue - how to handle?

[faithpa76]

A group of ladies and I put together a comfortghan. We're a group of Nov 2000 Moms, have known each other since, it's an internet group. Back in May, one of us lost a family member. I brought up the idea of a comfortghan; since most of them don't crochet, I said to pick a skein or two of yarn, and send them to me, and I'd put it togheter for her. The idea was that the different colors and patterns would specifically respresent the diversity and uniqueness of our group, to provide comfort in a tangible way, since none of us were able to be with her.

 

Well, it ended up being sent to another gal since the first lady had issues and left the group. This lady crochets, so you would think she would understand the work that went into it. She also knew about a couple of other I was working on (not as complex - I put about 55-60 hours in, plus the time and money from the other ladies who sent money and yarn for it, so the other are rectangular granny ghans - much quicker), so she was aware of the sentiment and stuff.

 

She got it Saturday. Yesterday she found out a friend's husband was killed. She posted on our board that she needed help making one (which was fine - there are a few of us who would have gladly made several squares for it), then an hour later, she flippantly says oh, I just gave mine to her.

 

I'm at a loss. I'm not unsympathetic to her friend's situation, and would have more than happily helped her make another, or would have at least appreciated an email saying, I'd like to do this, I know this was a lot of time/effort from you guys, do you mind? I can't fathom giving away something that I KNEW had that much time, love, and what have you into it w/out the courtesty of asking us first.

 

Any thoughts on how to handle this? I don't even know what to say to her now, it feels like a slap in the face. I truly do understand what she was trying to do but it just strikes me as insensitive and badly handled. And I was a little surprised, when she said she told her friend the circumstances behind her getting one, that she would have taken it, too.

 

Just wanted to add that this wasnt' just from me - there were about 20 other people involved. Yes, it was a gift, so I supposed she can do with it what she likes, but it just seems like she could have handled it differently. I haven't stopped shaking since I first read that she'd just given hers away. It's the biggest project I've ever done.

[donnalynn2]

Wow... IMO I would have reacted the same way you did. It's one thing to give away a gift, but to tell everyone who put their blood, sweat and tears into it and just so easily part with it would tell me that person doesn't appreciate what went into it.

 

I really don't know what advice to offer. I'm not sure if it's worth it to bring this issue to her attention or just let it go.

 

Good luck with this...

[smyz64]

I'm with Donna. I wouldn't know what to say, either. And I felt the slap here in Kansas, hun!

[Empress Busy Bee]

I totally get what you're saying and how you're feeling.

However I don't know what you want to handle. What's done is done and unless you want to shame her I think you should let it go.

Rather she was ungrateful or not, I can't say I don't know her.

One thing sticks out though, didn't you say it was orginally meant for someone else? Did she know that? If so it might affect how she feels about it.

Or maybe she just wanted to comfort her friend right away.

Sticky situation either way. I'm sorry your feelings got hurt though. Mine would be too probably.

[faithpa76]

She didn't know this ghan was initially intended for someone else. She left the board for several months (no internet, she had no choice) so would have had no way of knowing what was sent (or not sent) to whom.

 

I guess I'm just stunned because of anyone on that board, she would have known exactly how much time went into it. It just seems very flippant and insensitive to me - yes, I undersatnd wanting to comfort her friend, but it shows a lack of consideration for the 20+ people who wanted to comfort HER.

[purplekitty]

It does seem insensitive to me too. I totally understand how your feelings would be hurt. Some people never cease to amaze me.

 

As for what I would do. Nothing. I agree with Empress. What's done is done. Move on to help others who will appreciate your efforts. There are plenty of those types out there.

[faithpa76]

See the problem is she's a friend of nearly 6 years now. She hurt a LOT of people by doing that - I've gotten phone calls today from several people that I have talked with exclusively through email and snail mail or message boards but talked to in person (on the phone) maybe once before. It can't just be let go because there are so many people who were hurt by it - it will have to be addressed in some manner.

[Empress Busy Bee]

I see.

Like I said I do feel for you and would most likely feel the same.

[eurolyons]

I am so sorry...I think it was the tone of her post that was more insensitive than the actual giving of the comfortghan, because as you said, if she had said, "This is what I would like to do, would you mind, etc." I really don't think you would have had a problem...

 

I made an afghan for my mom for Christmas one year and I found out that literally right after I walk out of her place to go home, about two hours after she opened the afghan, she gave it to her friend. When she told me about it two weeks later, the insult to injury was, "Next time, let me pick the colors..." I was crushed, I still haven't gotten over it, some 10 years later...although, believe me I try all the time...it felt like a slap in the face, and in her case, I believe it really was a slap in the face...

 

In your situation, I'm not so sure...I think the tone is what hurts the most...that basically she didn't seem to acknowledge or appreciate the time and effort that went into the ghan or the gesture...

 

Again, I'm so sorry...

 

If it is at all possible, try to let it go...I know it's hard...I never did say anything to my mom...(which might be why I have a problem with it still...) I never did tell her badly she hurt me...but I'll tell you this, I've been very, very careful since about anything I give her and years had to go by before I would ever make anything for her at all...I say this and then have to add that recently for her cats (not her though) I did make kittyghans...and she liked them...tells me all the time that her clients make comments about how wonderful they are...

 

Hugs...

[eurolyons]

See the problem is she's a friend of nearly 6 years now. She hurt a LOT of people by doing that - I've gotten phone calls today from several people that I have talked with exclusively through email and snail mail or message boards but talked to in person (on the phone) maybe once before. It can't just be let go because there are so many people who were hurt by it - it will have to be addressed in some manner.

 

I'm sorry, I missed this post...

 

Tread carefully when you address this...I can most definately understand that if many people are upset by this, something has to be done...but what that might be is to somehow have a "meeting" with those that worked on the comfortghan and just let them vent and validate their feelings...and then brainstorm the best way to let the recipient know that feelings were a bit bruised...if that is what people want to do...sometimes even in a situation like this where many people are involved, what ends up being the best course of action is to they them have their say among the others and where others can say, "Yeah, I totally understand how you feel...I'm hurt too...but I think I can let it go now...or maybe if we write a general letter...or maybe someone can volunteer to have a word..." and that word could be along the lines of, "You know, we understand why you gave the comfortghan to your friend, but you know we all would have gladly pitched in to make another for your friend. How you wrote your post really made us feel like you didn't give a thought to how your quick action would look to those that devoted time to this project..." and so on...if it's said with the right tone, she might still feel uncomfortable, but she might also see your point and actually try to make right in her way, whatever that might be...even if it's just, "I'm so sorry, I just didn't think...the death of my friend's husband just threw me for a loop and I just wanted to do something right then to try to make her feel better..." Sometimes, that's all it would take...

[just me]

Perhaps you should try to look at it from another point of view...

 

You gave the comfortghan to her to comfort her and help her through a loss. Now, a good friend of hers suffers a loss, too. She thought about doing the same for this friend and then decided to just give her the ghan she had received. Maybe she felt that the ghan you had made for her did what it had to, and that, since she received such comfort from it, she knew her friend would, too. :heart

 

I would be honored and flattered to know that my good deed had done its work and was now being "played forward".

[Empress Busy Bee]

I missed that post too as we posted at the same time.

I agree with eurolyons, be careful. I know feelings were hurt but is it worth tearing a group up over? When push comes to shove, you never know who is going to side with whom. And again, I don't know what you can do besides call her on it and really, what's that going to get you besides more hurt feelings all the way around.

But only you know what's best for you and your friends.

[ziggidy1]

This is certianly a situation to be handled gently. I am no expert, but I would say that some one should just let this person no how you all feel. Be honest and open. If she is truly a friend you can talk it out. If she is less receptive it may be better to cut ties. I will pray that you all find a friendly resolution.

[eurolyons]

I got the impression for the original post that the "Pay it Forward" aspect of it isn't what is rankling people, but the way the recipient posted her message about what she did. She apparently was flippant about it and I truly think that's what got people upset...like she didn't think about their feelings...like she didn't appreciate their efforts...

 

Had she put a little more thought into her post, sure maybe some would still be a little upset, but more people would be okay with the whole thing...

 

I don't think it's the action of the comfortghan going to someone else as much as the tone of the message that the one person wrote letting people know what she did that's really in question here...

[faithpa76]

I got the impression for the original post that the "Pay it Forward" aspect of it isn't what is rankling people, but the way the recipient posted her message about what she did. She apparently was flippant about it and I truly think that's what got people upset...like she didn't think about their feelings...like she didn't appreciate their efforts...

 

Had she put a little more thought into her post, sure maybe some would still be a little upset, but more people would be okay with the whole thing...

 

I don't think it's the action of the comfortghan going to someone else as much as the tone of the message that the one person wrote letting people know what she did that's really in question here...

That is exactly it. Quite a few of us have been discussing the issue via phone and email and the general concensus has been that even though we probably would have been a little upset that she was giving it away, we would have understood her giving it to her friend. It would have been fine.

 

She went from "I need help making a comfortghan" to less than an hour later "Oh, I just gave her mine." And being in Alaska, she posted at a time when she knew no one else would be around, so no one even had a chance to react to it until the deed was done.

[eurolyons]

Yeah, it truly doesn't sound like she handled that situation well...especially if she didn't give you and the others a chance to truly discusss the issue...so right now, people were caught off guard and that's always upsetting...I hate surprises like that...no way to prepare for them really and it's out of one's control...

 

Hang in there...

[purplekitty]

What you did was a wonderful act of kindness and caring. Don't let how she reacted detract from that.

 

I don't know what you should do about the whole friendship thing. Let your heart guide you.

 

Definitely don't let it sour you from continuing to give like that. As I posted before, there are many, MANY people that would be thrilled to receive a comfortghan and know that so many people cared about them to make it for them.

 

And Euro, sorry to hear about what your mom did. That had to have been very hurtful. :hug

[Qmare]

Hi Faith. I'm sorry that this happened. The fact is that this will change your group... how it is changed is up to everyone involved and how they handle it.

 

My honest opinion is that the more discussion takes place offline, most likely the more inflamed the emotions and the more blown up this whole thing will get. Already, you are talking about how this person posted at a time when many of you would be offline. That indicates to me that you believe her to have premeditated her revealing her giving the ghan away so that she wouldn't have to hear the rest of your reactions... this says to me that as you talk amongst yourselves, her grievance is growing...

 

Now, I assume that this is a person that you care deeply for (otherwise, why would you make the ghan for her)... so I think you have a decision to make. If she is someone that you want to remain friends with, perhaps you should go directly to her yourself and let her know, lovingly, how badly this hurt you. This is an opportunity for growth. You can choose to seize it and grow (no matter how painful that is) or you can move on from here, choose to move the relationship into a more superficial level, and let it go.

 

I know from first hand experience how much it hurts to put your time, effort and most of all, love into a project for someone only to have them treat it as though it were a $5.99 cheapo blanket from Store X. That may or may not be what this person did. Either way, that's how it feels and that really sucks. I know you to be a really loving, caring and sacrificing person, Faith. So, I know you put a lot of yourself into this thing. Maybe you need to take a step back, let the wound heal a little, and then proceed. Meanwhile, take all these cyber hugs from us here and know we really do sympathize!

 

Mare:hug :hug :hug

[eurolyons]

What you did was a wonderful act of kindness and caring. Don't let how she reacted detract from that.

 

I don't know what you should do about the whole friendship thing. Let your heart guide you.

 

Definitely don't let it sour you from continuing to give like that. As I posted before, there are many, MANY people that would be thrilled to receive a comfortghan and know that so many people cared about them to make it for them.

 

And Euro, sorry to hear about what your mom did. That had to have been very hurtful. :hug

 

It absolutely blew me away...about a year later we were totally on the outs and didn't speak for a year (separate situation) and during that year my sister had to give me a couple of stuffed kitty dolls with music that I had specially made for my mom that because she was so angry with me, she was literally going to throw into the trash...my sister stopped her. My sister held on to the dolls for 6 months before she gave them to me, simply because she kept looking for the right time to give them to me...but you know, with that kind of thing, there is never a right time...my mom does not know that I now have the dolls back...that was truly one of the final nails on the coffin as far as me ever making anything for her again...it took this same sister to get my mom to talk to me again...it took a year for us to come together...and that was 10 years ago...to say that my mother has issues is an understatement. I love her, but...and unfortunately, right now, my sister and my mom are not talking...instigated by my sister finally having enough with mom...I don't like that there's desention, but one's got to do what one's got to do in cases like that...I support my sister's decision...my mom "doesn't understand" but I've had to remind her that this situation is no different that what we went through ourselves...my mother (with me) was the one that swore she'd never speak to me again...time does heal all wounds if you let them...

 

I'm still working on healing certain wounds...I personally hope my sister is doing the same...for her own sake..

 

When things like that happen, (like giving away afghans or throwing out the dolls) regardless of whether the pieces were top quality or rough attempts, the bad thing about it all for me, is that I second guess myself...was my stuff so bad (answer...it's all relative...what one will like, someone else will be a snob about...) truth of the matter is...that's not the real issue...

 

Thanks Deb...hugs back.

[Qmare]

truth of the matter is...that's not the real issue...

 

Thanks Deb...hugs back.

 

Deb..., you so hit the nail on the head here... in your situation, the pain your mom caused you has NOTHING to do with the worth of the things you gave her... sounds to me like she doesn't value herself very highly and therefore cannot give you the love, respect and value you need and deserve! That is a shame! How sad, I'd love it if my mom or my kids made me something so special!

 

Hugs to you,

[eurolyons]

Thanks Quiltymare...hugs back...my name is LeAnna, not Deb...I was thanking another member...but thank you...

 

I still struggle with the "creative self esteem" even though I know what's really going on with my mom...and I'll tell you what's really sad, my mom is a highly creative, artist person...but so selfish and competitive about it, that my sisters both feel that they are not creative at all...which is so not true...this is perfectionism at its worst...if they can't match what mom does (and they feel they can't) then 1) they must not be creative and 2) why bother anyway...the one sister mentioned above is finally breaking out of that by getting into mosaics...which is just awesome...

 

Me, regardless of whatever insecurities I may have, it's never stopped me from what I do...I just do it anyway...

 

Faith...some of the other posters do make good points about not letting this situation get too far out of hand...it's one thing to vent, but I wouldn't make any concrete plans to say anything until cooler heads prevail...be rational in whatever you all decide to do.

[Pink]

What a sad and hurtful situation. I know I'd be upset as well, faith. Hopefully I'd be able to calm down enough to try the second approach eurolyons suggested. I hope this works out for all involved

[Lyndamic]

I would be honored and flattered to know that my good deed had done its work and was now being "played forward". __________________

 

I can agree with that, but when the original recipient only had it a couple of days before giving it away, apparently without a thought, it changes the concept for me.

 

Just my humble opinion, but I don't think things will ever be the same in the group if nothing is ever said to the recipient about the other members' feelings. It will be hard for the other ladies not to treat her a little bit differently and/or show their hurt, and she will be bewildered. I don't think it's fair to HER that 20+ people are upset/hurt in relation to her, and she has no idea what's going on and why.

[mrsfrenchy3]

It absolutely blew me away...about a year later we were totally on the outs and didn't speak for a year (separate situation).........

 

I can't imagine being on the outs with my mother.......I apparently had a very different relationship than what some of you have.....we never got angry with each other and if there were any differences of opinions, etc. we talked it through.

 

One of you needs to speak up and remind her that life is too short and one of you could be GONE in a matter of seconds and then there is no going back. Ask how they would feel if one of you were not here to be able to patch things up, give a hug, remember old times, etc. Your situation makes my heart ache.....what I wouldn't give to be able to talk to my momma again, or see her smiling face or to be able to touch her. Think about it...

[eurolyons]

I can't imagine being on the outs with my mother.......I apparently had a very different relationship than what some of you have.....we never got angry with each other and if there were any differences of opinions, etc. we talked it through.

 

One of you needs to speak up and remind her that life is too short and one of you could be GONE in a matter of seconds and then there is no going back. Ask how they would feel if one of you were not here to be able to patch things up, give a hug, remember old times, etc. Your situation makes my heart ache.....what I wouldn't give to be able to talk to my momma again, or see her smiling face or to be able to touch her. Think about it...

 

I made up with my mom, and I'm just trying to be a good example to both of them at this point and pray to God that they will figure out how to work towards reconcillation...I believe in time, they will find each other again...but both, quite frankly, need to have this time apart. My mom and I actually benefited greatly from our year of not talking to each other...that was back in 1995. We still have ups and downs, but I'm 6,000 miles away and mom and I have had to find better ways of dealing with things between each other. I just figure, if we can, then eventually so can my sister and her...

 

I just try to remember the Serenity Prayers in times like this: Change the things I can change, Accept the things I cannot, and ask God for the wisdom to know the difference...