I need Advice........

[Jempast]

The big issue with my mom is she is an alcoholic. She has said several times she regrets the day she had me. She was even responsible for my sister's first 3 marriages to fail. Now my sister is on marriage number 4 she is only 28!

 

My mom really hates my husband. With him being German she calls him Hitler, a terrorists, and all other kinds of names I can't list since this is a PG-13 board! She tries turning me against him!

 

We both know that is not her it is the alcohol. I have shown my husband home movies from 12-15 years ago. He even noticed in the movies are much nicer, playful & fun my mom was before alcohol took over her life. She has brainwashed my stepfather into not liking my husband.

 

Thank god I have my stepmom she said she would never believe what my mom says. My step mom & I are very close.

 

Yet, why do I still feel like I should crochet something for my mother for her birthday?

[Tonya D.]

I have a Dad I'll never crochet for.. or even want to talk to for that matter! If I told you all he has done to me and my family you would understand. I sometimes want to leave my state too lol. You really need to do some soul searching on if you think what she has done is forgivable. Sometimes it's best to forgive for your own sake if anything else. I have given my parent plenty of second chances and well... it really only hurt me and others in the end. I'm still able to forgive and I do wish him well though. To give you an idea how bad he has hurt my family.. if I even talk to him there are several people that would be more than hurt and angry with me.

[JennyBunny]

If it hurts not to do something for her, make something small that won't bother you if she chooses not to keep it for some reason. Keep the contact to a minimum, and only when and how YOU choose it. I only communicate with my ex via e-mail for that reason. I can control when I read it or even if.

[Jempast]

Thanks eveyone for the advice!

[magiccrochetfan]

Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon meeting? It is a self-help group for family members of alcoholics, and there are meetings everywhere. It can help you sort out your feelings and realize you can't control anything that another person does, help you decide where you want your boundaries to be. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

[Yarnluver]

Jempast, I think some very well-intentioned people who are more idealistic than me are giving you advice that comes only from their point of view but which I believe could lay unnecessary guilt on you if you don't make your mother something.

 

Although I lost my own mother last August (and I often still get teary eyed when I think of her) my opinion is different. Just because someone birthed you doesn't make her a real mother, period. If she's inflicting so much pain on you, creating distance between the two of you is not just a good idea but a necessity, same goes for any toxic relations in your life.

 

My Mom was not an alcoholic nor had any other "major" problems but her way of thinking was pretty dysfunctional and her criticism, especially while I was growing up, did a lot of damage to me and the best decision I ever made was to leave my country many years ago. Even so, her influence long-distance was often pretty negative, our phone conversations could send me into an emotional spin for days no matter how old I got. Still, I had her in my home many times (and we always ended up arguing over something...) and did my best to be a good daughter while I could, flying down to help care for her on 3 different occasions, even to the end as I spent 1 month with her last year, but whenever I had to pull away I did it and I don't have regrets because that's what I needed to do THEN. It's true that when she passed away I began feeling random guilt BUT I knew that was a normal part of grieving and no matter how good I'd been I'd always feel I could've done "more", so that awareness made me take account of things more soberly and on the whole I felt pretty satisfied with what I'd done, NOW is now and I feel NO guilt for anything at all, the only thing I regret is that she had to suffer but then she also made some choices regarding treatment of her illness that contributed to the outcome so I also don't dwell on that a lot.

 

In conclusion, my advice to you is that you do what is RIGHT for you and don't let useless guilt alone be your guide. You may be what you are because of her but as I saw about your sister it was NOT a good thing, now you're an adult and you're "in charge" so choose for you and your family. Do pray but mainly for peace and for your mother's healing as she is very sick.