Bad reactions?

[Deb]

I may have shared this story before.. please put up with me, if I have...

 

A co-worker and friend requested that I make a blanket to go with her new Southwestern decor (this dates me - doesn't it?). Since I was in the mid of a crochet frenzy (the first of many in my life), I agreed. She found a pattern she liked. We went to the LYS (a SuperYarnMart! whatever happened to those stores?) and purchased various shades of worsted weight yarn - enough to finish a large-ish afghan.

 

When I started the afghan, I finally took note of the fact that it was single crocheted. The entire BLANKET was single crocheted. AND NOT back and forth... OH NO it was across, tie off, join at the beginning, go across... you get the picture.

 

It took me five years (off and on) to finish this afghan. It became a running joke between us. But it was finished. And I believe that she loved it. It certainly got used. I've seen it on her couch, on her bed, in her car.

 

But.. one time, a few years ago, I saw the blanket in the garage.. with the dog sleeping on it. It broke my heart. Did I say anything? nope. I didn't trust myself to completely ruin our friendship.

[mwedzi]

Nope, I just crochet for myself nowadays. Crochet is something I enjoy doing, and deep down inside, even when I made some things for others, I knew that really I was making it for me, if you get what I mean. I made my mother a red and white mile a minute afghan, and contrary to what the name might indicate, it wasn't really mile a minute: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v194/mwedzi/Crochet/blankies.jpg Big enough to cover a queen sized bed. She asked for it, even picked the colors. But she never used it at all, so I just took it back. But I wasn't disappointed or hurt that she didn't use it, because I enjoyed making it, and to this day I still believe that the reason she asked for it was because I was going through a hard time and she knew that crocheting was comfort to me. I can't really expect someone to appreciate my hobby as much as I do. To be honest with myself, if someone gave me a tatted gift or what not, I probably wouldn't care much for it, either, because that's not something I want (though I probably wouldn't say that I didn't like it, cuz that's just mean). And I don't think I'm an evil person for not much appreciating that gift, because a gift should be what the receiver wants.

 

So I guess the advice to avoid the hurt next time is to ask yourself if this is something the receiver would really want? Or maybe look at the situation from a different angle. Did you enjoy picking out the pattern? Choosing and buying the yarn? Did you enjoy working it up and giving it? If you did, then you still got some enjoyment out of it and once the gift leaves your hands, well, it's theirs to do with as they please.

 

I hope I didn't sound harsh, but just another way to look at the situation. Hope you feel better.

[Lynn]

No, that doesn't sound harsh at all.

 

I don't think that anyone, unless they crochet, has a clue as to what goes into making something. And, I think you are right when you say that deep down everything we do, weather its for someone else or not, is actually done for ourselves. I have made many, many things for my daughter and her kids. I know how much they are appreciated but still, when I see the purple and black afghan that she had to have to match her plum couches, sitting in the basement, something tugs at my heart. Although that is where the plum couches live now too so I suppose its fitting.

 

Sometimes things are appreciated more than we realize too. When my daughter's boys were small I crocheted both of them a small blanket that they could throw over themselves while watching TV, etc. They were about 2 yrs old and 4 years old when I made these throws. The oldest is going to be 24 in July and the youngest is 21. The 24 yr old STILL keeps his on his bed. The last time they moved Joe's got misplaced and he didn't find it and he is sick about it! Even asked me if I could make him one just like it, but then he said it wouldn't be the same. Now, that warms your heart!

 

Lynn

[Sue89]

It sounds like the problem is that there are 2 schools of thought out there. One believes that gifting is about what the receiver wants, while the other believes it's about what the giver chooses to give. I belong to the latter, like the old sayings "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" or "beggars can't be choosers." Basically, if you didn't pay for the object, than you have no right to behave as if you placed an order and it was filled incorrectly. If there's something the recipients would rather have, than they should go out and buy it for themselves instead of trying to get it for free from one of their friends.

 

As a gift giver I'd want to show that I know the person well enough to know what they'd enjoy, but that's my choice, not my obligation. If I decide to give them something they don't have or haven't tried before, or if I simply don't know that they'll have an adverse reaction to something custom-made, than I shouldn't be punished for that with complaints by the recipient. After all, I didn't owe them anything at all. That's what makes it a gift. If they don't want it, let them enjoy the gift of giving by finding someone else who will appreciate it.

 

Let's face it. People who make unkind remarks about any gift are doing it with an intention. They are trying to discourage you from giving them similar gifts in the future. These people wouldn't receive another gift from me, store-bought or otherwise. They can spend their own time and money on themselves. The good news about the initial post is that the recipient did intend to give the gift away to someone who'll want it rather than tossing it out or stuffing it away somewhere. It was just very insensitive of her to throw it in the face of the giver. I've told people I gave crocheted gifts to that if they don't like it they can give it to a homeless shelter, as long as they don't tell me about it.

[CraftyShannon]

I haven't given away any crochet projects yet, except a couple of purses for my mom and some hats to my dad and brother. They each asked for them, so they liked their gifts.

 

I make a lot of crafts, and once my cousin liked the fall wreath on my door and asked me to make her a wreath for Christmas. Only she wanted it in her house colors. She also thought her Sister-in-Law, who I also had to buy something for (I barely knew her) would like one since she was just sitting up her house. I went to Michael's and paid a small fortune for all the supplies. Then, I showed the finished products to our aunt to see if the wreaths matched the girls' homes. She thought they'd love them, so I happily wrapped them.

 

Christmas Day came, and my cousin barely acted like she liked her, but she did thank me. Her SIL wouldn't even take hers out of the bag to look at it and couldn't bring herself to thank me. I think the problem was that our family has a set amount on how much you are supposed to spend, and I think they didn't know how much all the supplies cost, so they thought I cheated them out of their gift. They didn't know I actually went over the budget just to make their gifts be extra special. I don't live near these girls, but my aunt told me they did use the wreaths. Who knows if she's told the truth based on their reactions.

[synch]

I think I read this in one of Debbie Stoller's S'n'B books re: "gifting" and she wrote a whole piece on it, quite funny! But it ties in everything people have said in this thread. I think it's all a matter of taste, like someone giving another an article of clothing (which may not always be something they would be into color- or style-wise) I know much love is put into our projects but I think it's important to consider the person's taste with whom you're planning to make something for. I asked my friend who is expecting what colors she is planning on using for her baby girl's nursery and she told me sage. So now, I'm making a baby blanket w/ sage in it and it's variegated (just in case!)...she stressed how she doesn't like pink, so I'm glad I asked.

 

I guess it all comes down to taking into consideration if someone would like a crocheted item or not...just ask!

 

p.s. is this similar to the "boyfriend sweater" syndrome in knitting?

[jessc031778]

Oh, yeah!! Two years ago, money was really tight, so I decided that we would give a handmade afghan to each of our family members as the big gift and then something little that would be bought for the small gift...I made a different pattern for each person. For my grandmother, I knew that she likes shawls & afghans because she's had the same set on her chair since I was like 4 years old, so I made her a matching set, a pretty shawl and an afghan, from the same pretty yarn, and I picked a yarn that I knew would match the furnature in her living room....she said she loved them when she opened them, that she was touched that she was the only person to get a set...a few months later, we visited her home...and the shawl was lumped up in her cat's bed! I thought it must have slipped from the back of the rocking chair the catbed was sitting in, so I picked it up and started to shake it out & fold it nicely...and she came into the room and said that her cats just loved it so much, it was so soft, so she let them have the shawl! I was very upset (still am!)...I mean, yes we do consider all the pets to be a part of the family, but I made that specifically with her in mind...I started that shawl 3 times and frogged it completely out because I didn't like how it was working up...

 

Anyway! She has no idea how upset I am, but I will never make her anything again. Everyone else loves their afghans, and I know they use them...and I love making things...but I won't put my heart & soul & time & energy into something if the person I give it to won't use it..what's the point of that??

 

I'm very sorry that your friend was harsh to you...I'm hoping that she just didn't realize how her words would make you feel...the only thing I can say is don't let other people's behavior change how you feel about crochet!! Do it for you, not for them...and enjoy the wonderful things you can create with your own two hands!! Not everyone has the ability (or the patience) to do this, let alone do it well. Be proud of what you've made and share it with those who will appreaciate it!!

 

Jessie

[tlisley]

:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl

HAHAHAHA!!! I have NEVER heard it called that. I LOVE that! Can I use that sometimes????

m

LOL, I know, I love it too. You can use it in "polite" company too and find out quick who has a sense of humor by who busts out laughing! LOL

[13bodies]

My mom isn't crafty at all--it skipped a generation in our family --and when she'd ask me what I"m making, my answer was often followed with: "But what are you going to do with it?" It used to drive me crazy. I finally would say "It's going to keep me occupied and out of trouble now and after it's done, it's going to sit around and look pretty. Supermodels get paid a &*^% of a lot for less." She finally stopped and now she appropriates a lot of my things. She says that when she gets compliments on her clothes/accessories, it's often something that I"ve made for her.

 

My SIL on the other hand...before she and my brother were married I spent a lot of time and money making her a basket of homemade bath oils, lotion bars, etc. She acted like I'd given her a cup of warm spit. Lesson learned. I'll never make her anything ever again. Nyah.

[eyenowhour]

p.s. is this similar to the "boyfriend sweater" syndrome in knitting?

 

What's that?

 

(No idea how I made the quote italicized).

[mwedzi]

The Curse of the Boyfriend Sweater or the Curse of the Love Sweater is supposedly the case when you make a sweater for your boyfriend, you are dooming the relationship.

[esta]

Will the curse of the boyfriend sweater work on ex-husbands too.

[Stacy25]

I've never had anyone give me a bad reaction, but I am worried about it at the moment. My BIL and his wife are having their baby shower this weekend, and I made them a rather cheery baby blanket. The woman is very into name brands and fashion labels, nothing handmade, etc...so I'm thinking she's not going to have a very positive reaction, though I know my BIL will appreciate the effort. It sounds bad, but I just keep reminding myself of the type of person she is, and if she does have a bad reaction to it, it's not personal against me.

[Ellie 13]

I'm glad your not giving up crochet for good. People get things from me all the time and everyone said (or sent) a thank you.

I make blankets for Project Linus - they call us "Blanketeers". My mother quilts and collects blankets/quilts for the local chapter.

 

WIPS: 1 Linus blanket, 1 afghan for a design contest, Christmas stockings (can never start too soon.)

 

Keep on crocheting. Who cares what others think. Love, Ellie 13

[LadyintheMoon]

I've had people look at my things and lie... tell me how nice it was for me to do that for them while not hiding the dislike or disappoint on their faces. I think some people are just so materialistic sometimes that it isn't they mean to hurt us, they just don't take the time to realize how much we dedicate ourselves to these projects. I'm glad you're still going.

[Lynn]

Stacy25 ---- Your SIL sounds just like mine! My SIL I swear thinks my hubby and I are from the "wrong side of the tracks" and one time she even said how she hated my SIL's family, that they were not "classy" enough. She buys ALL name brands from stores like Talbot's, Coldwater Creek and Lord & Taylor. This past fall her daughter had a baby shower and I made her 2 beautiful baby blankets. My SIL thought they were the most beautiful things she had ever seen! I almost fell right out of my chair! Later when the baby was born (a girl) I made a lilac sweater set - sweater, matching fake Mary Janes and pretty little hat with the brim turned up and pinned with a small crocheted flower of a contrasting color. I put it in a bag and sent it with my MIL when she went to see the baby. I thought I'd probably never hear about that set again. Next tiem I saw my SIl and BIL they BOTH just raved about that set and even gave me a picture of Leela wearing it! I was shocked --- still am! So, sometimes, even though they live with their nose in the air and buy all name brands, they do like beautiful hand made things. My SIL told me she could NEVER make anything like I do. ANOTHER SHOCK!

 

Lynn

[salos]

I've had the opposite reaction. Sometimes I give a gift, thinking it's "okay" and the receiver is thrilled with it.

 

My children, however, have told me that I don't have to keep making afghans for them, they have enough.

[ZingyZoid]

My children, however, have told me that I don't have to keep making afghans for them, they have enough.

 

Gotta love kids!

[unipeg]

I had a similar reaction a year or two ago. I made some friends some little baubles with their initials and the year on them, I thought they turned out rather nice. But I didn't get the reaction that I thought I would from a couple of my friends. I just figure I did my part and if they don't like it tough, I would rather have something handmade than store bought.

[Hounddog]

This past Christmas I made gifts for the staff where my daughter lives. Anyway I got a lot of good reaction. I made the tree that wraps around the styrofoam cone for one lady and that woman absolutely loved it. When I saw her one time shrtly after this she gave me a big hug and said she loved handmade gifts. I made hats too and the women loved those too. I don't have to give them gifts but they do a great job for my daughter and her roommates.

[Jamie]

First of all I agree with Sue89. Okay, my turn! I've been married to the same wonderful man for 28 years. Early in our marriage money and time were tight what with raising children, working, moving across country repeatedly, I really didn't have time to make things for anyone other than our own little family. But as the kids grew up and moved away I found lots and lots of spare time and decided I would make something nice for my MIL for her birthday. I picked out yarn to match her sofa and made her a Pineapple Afghan (the one with 17" squares). It took me about two weeks of dedicated crocheting and I had it finished. My husband took it down to her on one of his trips and she asked where I'd gotten it. When he told her I'd made it her response was "Well, I'm sure that's what she told you." My husband was so mad that she'd basically called me a liar and, a talentless one at that,that I have been forbidden to make anything else for her. I can send cards now, that's it.

[butterfly_girl]

I just made a hat for my mom for her birthday. money is really tight, and so was time. I made her the sassy a hat, by dot. Everyone at my office loved it, and one girl asked me to make her one.

 

but i gave it to my mom, and apolgized for not being able to spend more time with her on her birthay. (had to go away for work, training for 5 days) she just looked at it and put it down. yeah. I figured it would be good, since she loves hats, and has a ton of them, lots of crocheted newspaperboy type ones from second hand stores. maybe i should make her one of those.

 

I recently started using a scrapghan i made while i was pregnant with my son (he's 8 now) it's made with long strips of crochet, with hearts in popcorn stitch. he was using it last night, and i reminded him that i made it when i was pregnant with him. he was happy, and curled up in it, watching tv and fell asleep :-))

[peppermintpatti]

Hello,

 

I had never had a negative reaction to my crochet gift giving until last year.

 

For our best friends wedding I crocheted a king size bedspread. They then requested that I crochet pillow shams. I had no pattern so made one up. later when they were divorcing - the only bone of contention was the bedspread. He was getting the bed and thought it should go with the bed as it was made for the bed. Her contention was that it was a wedding gift and usually given over to the bride. Since we no longer see them, I don't know who wound up with the bedspread.

 

Also made a baby blanket for a new grandbaby. Mother said that both girls liked it so well they kept fighting for it.

 

Now. for the negative reaction. My niece, who is usually a caring thougthful person, reacted badyl to the crocheted angel bag holder I gave her for her wedding shower (albeit it held a $100). She held it up by the wings and said in a derisive tone, "just look at this". Made me feel bad. Later heard that she had admired a shawl I had made for her mother in the seventies.

 

So you never really know. But as someone said earlier. I crochet for myself and the pleasure I get from making the item is really where it is at. But always remind myself that a gift is given unconditionally and the receiver is at liberty to do what they want with it.

[secretstasher]

lol I live in fear of negative reactions and sometimes get embarrassed when pple rave and go all mushy over the things I have made but yes I got one negative reaction.

The children I nanny for are 4year old girl and 6year old boy. the little girl wanted a pink and sparkly top and the boy and I chatted about what colour design etc and he drew a seaside scene well I crocheted away for about 3weeks on a sand sea and sky pic with seagulls and clouds etc. when I put it on him he had this look of horror it was hillarious. his mother tired to cover up but it was simply hillarious this kid looking horrified at the creation.

I tease him by asking if he is wearing his new jumper today but understand that he didnt envision the end result.

mostly I get good reactions if not too good which makes you wonder if they are being truthful.

The best reaction was from a blanket i made for a friend I didnt hear the end of it lol. and I knitted a baby blanket for a pregnant mate and I had a lovely picture of the new baby wrapped in it sent to my mobile.

You can never tell when someone is going to be very impressed or just polite or even not.

but if I got a bad reaction then no i wouldnt make anything else for them. keep crocheting and having fun.

One of the best presents I ever had was from a friend who had knitted some socks they were so warm.

[misssmaggie]

I really think many people we make these wonderful hand-crafted gifts for really do not understand the love and time we put give to these items! Way back in the 70's, I bought a very pretty round, blue, crushed velvet pillow and

I crochet several heaxagons in two or three contrasting colors, joined them together to form a round shape, then sewed it to the top of the pillow. It looked great! I gave it to my in-laws...I guess that was MY mistake! It was not welcomed as a "real" gift. It wasn't bought in a store! So, that was the last they have ever seen what I make!