Need Some Advice-Memory Angels

[Shellie]

If you follow the doll forum you know that I am the one that makes baby memory angels. I am not tired of them or even feeling burnt out. I just find myself with a bit of a quandry.

 

I have this habit of making some small thing for any living children the mother has as well as the angel. This has the unfortunate side effect of limiting angels a bit since it takes much more time to come up with the little somethings.

 

If you have ever lost a child-through illness, miscarriage, stillborn, etc-would you be offended to only receive the angel? I would like to reach many more people and am slowed quite a bit by the extras I try to include. Do I need to just get over my guilt that everyone in the family should get something?

 

My outlook is that the mother has the living children as a tangible reminder of Gods gifts and the memory angels of the lost children meet the same purpose. I haven't even started not doing something for everyone and I am already feeling guilty!

 

I just have several angels I really would like to do and the living children are slowing me. I try to make something unique just for them as well using their interests.

 

I guess I would really like some feedback as to how people think and if you have suffered a loss, how you would feel.

[detroitdeb]

I think giving the angel without a gift for the living children is okay. i know what you mean though, I always give a gift for an older child when giving a baby gift, but I don't think this is the same. I would just give the angels now. Don't forget, the living children have their parents, too.

[texasredhead]

I am not familiar with your dolls, but I would think that if you give a doll and a nice card, with a poem maybe, that would be all that would be expected by the family. I think that what you do for them would be more than they would ever expect. You wouldn't have to do anything else for them and I can see how it would hold you up trying to figure out who else they have that you would give a gift too. Honestly, I think one angel would be all you would need to do for the family.

[GreenFuzzer]

I haven't followed the doll forum but I think I should. I would love to learn more about your angels. Please PM me.

As far as giving "just an angel" you won't be giving "just an angel" you will be giving so much more. You are giving your love and a part of your heart. As a mom of a miscarried baby I can tell you my son was not left out in any way. Actually I think with miscarriage it is hard for people to know how to comfort a family so I believe your gift would help a LOT. Personally for me I think it would have taken something away from the meaning of it if my son had gotten something at the same time. Please understand my children received a 'sibling gift' until they were 10 from my husband and I, and still receive them from their grandmother and great-aunt. My kids are 19 and 20 now. I believe your gift is an acknowledgement that someone cares and felt the child is/was important and give validation to the parents heartbreak, yes siblings may be feeling this also however I believe the parents are in a better position to tend to that and have a need to do that for themselves and their surviving child. Personally I think you will do an even better thing to give "just an angel".

Thank you for what you do.

[Shellie]

If you go to my signature you will see a link to the angels I have made. The bigger ones are dolls I made expressly for siblings, not the actual angel. The angels are small, Christmas ornament size.

 

I don't take orders, there is no charge. I used to send them Priority Mail but since I am on disability that got quite expensive!

 

Each and every one is unique, even ones that I made more than one angel for the same lost child (a friend asked for one for her mother on her son's angel day).

 

I love making them, but as I said-making all the extras gets pretty time consuming and sometimes leads to major procrastination!

 

I just kinda go all over the internet and when I find a story that "speaks" to me, I know what to do. Anyway, I don't mean to sound all puffed up, I just thought you might want more information.

[ratdog]

I think giving an angel is enough, a thoughtful and deeply meaningful gesture.

 

No gifts for other children are necessary, especially if i is becoming too much and takes away from your very special ministry.

[RoseRed]

God says to give from your heart. What you do to the least you also do unto him. He also says that for your gift/sacrifice to be accepted it must be made in the right frame of heart and mind.

 

Your feelings about continuing to make things for the living children (time consuming, expensive, "the living children are slowing me.", procrastination, etc) show that it's not made in the right frame of being.

 

Do as your heart instructs you. Your angels are for the parents of the deceased. The siblings do not share their parents grief - not in the same form or intensity. (I'm not saying that the siblings do not grieve, that depends on the situation. Ex: A living 3 year old will not understand the grief of a 3rd month miscarriage).

 

I miscarried when my daughter was 3. I wasn't showing. She did not understand and I didn't tell her that her baby brother or sister died. I simply told her that Mommy was very sad but in time I would be happy again. I certainly would NOT have wanted to explain to her why some stranger made her a gift for the loss of a sibling never actually had.

 

I think what you're doing is wonderful. If that's what God put on your heart then listen to your heart. In your own words you would rather make for the dead.

[nicolep]

My son, Xavier, died on August 31, 2004. I'm a week away from celebrating what would have been his fifth birthday. He was an infant that lived for two days after being born premature and suffering a massive stroke.

 

I can't offer much advise about living children because I didn't have any then and I don't now. Speaking as a bereaved parent, little somethings didn't mean much to me. For a long time after he died, everything was about Xavier in my mind. All of the memory boxes, angels and small tokens meant to remind me of him were a huge help.

 

As others have said, do what you can and what you feel is right. God bless you in your ministry.

[beth eathorne]

something to give a grieving loveone is wonderful. i dont think that anyone would be upset if that were the only thing you sent along with a short note to the family. when my son died i would have loved for someone to have thought of us like this. and my sons would not have been upset because they got nothing.

[sharona669]

Shellie, your Angels are precious. I think that you are giving the entire family their Angel, not just the parents. I do not believe that the other children need to receive anything other than the love you are giving them through your Angels.

[paperdoll]

As a mother who lost 2 newborns, I would say just the one Angel is all that is needed. If you send more than one it would seem there was more than one child that was lost. My daughter would not have been offended if she did not receive one because she would have known it was because we lost a baby and the baby went to heaven.

[Delekatala]

I am going to give as honest of an answer as I can pertaining to my unique situation.

 

I lost my daughter genevive on January 14. She was 16 days old. She was also a twin. Aside from Lillian her twin sister, I have a son Alexander.

 

In my case I would "want" two angel dolls, not big ones, but two small ones, one with wings and one without, to represent Lillian and Genevive together. But wouldn't care if I got one for Alex or not. My reasoning I think is that I am not only mourning my daughter, but I am also mourning my twins. All those plans and dreams of dressing them the same, and snuggling with two babies. The feeling of being special, not everyone has two babies, I lost that as well when Genevive passed away.

 

SO I don't think in most cases it would matter about the living children, Most Angel parents don't want to weigh our living children down with their siblings death anyhow. I don't mention it often to Alexander, but do answer his questions honestly when he asks. But in cases of multiples not many people realize there is a whole other set of grief that goes with it. Hope this makes sense.

 

On a whole other note, What a wonderful thing you do! All we have now are little tangible objects to remind us of our children, Those items are so important to us. I love getting memory objects because it helps me feel like she isn't forgotten, and gives me more to do and hold on to. People like you make this journey a little bit easier.

[kraftynkrazy]

Colton was stillborn December 20, 2004 and if it weren't for the little things the hospital gave me (donated by wonderful people like you), I would have had nothing to hold on to. I don't think you need feel guilty or minimize how much those little angels mean in and of themselves. I laid up in that hospital for four days, wanting to die myself, alone, my other four children at home with my husband and in-laws. I had no visitors, no company, and I don't think it affected anyone else in the world the way it affected me (no, not even my husband though I know he did suffer). The parents are the ones who need those little "hugs" during their time of grief the most. I don't mean to minimize what my children went through when he died, but a mother's arms are emptier than they have ever felt before following the death of a child and what "little" you do helps to fill that void. God bless you and please pm me. I would love to be a part of the work you do and give some peace to other grieving parents. It would mean the world to me!